The 24th Day

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I walk home...

Im all scratched up, Ive got

blood all over my face...

Im crying my eyes out.

My mother sees me and she runs up

screaming, ''Who did this to you?''

I tell her, ''Stevie Bellon jumped me

from behind in the school yard...

while his pals stood there and

made sure no one broke it up.''

So take a guess what

my Mom does?

She takes me back

to the school yard...

she finds Stevie and tells him

that Im gonna fight him again...

only this time it's gonna be

a fair fight.

Your Mom booked

your fight.

Well, me and Stevie, we stood

there looking at her...

like she was waiting for us

to make up or something.

Then she pulls me aside

and looks at me...

and tells me

to rip his heart out.

She said, ''Rip his heart out''

to an eight-year-old?

-And?

-And I got him pretty good.

Your mother just stood there

and watched?

Once things were evened up,

she pulled me off of him.

Good for your Mom.

I salute her.

lf more parents took those steps

during child developmental years...

we wouldn't have a country

filled of emotional cripples...

those touchy feely, angst-ing head

cases afraid of their own shadows.

Exactly.

I say ''Buck up, baby.

its cold outside.''

I think it's time

for a cab home.

''Annie Hall''.

Denzel Washington?

Who could it be?

Julia Roberts?

Darryl Hannah?

Darryl Hannah...

''Blade Runner''.

''Blade Runner''.

Harrison Ford.

''Star Wars''.

James Earl Jones.

James who?

James Earl Jones,

Darth Vader.

You cannot use

Darth Vader.

I can't use Darth Vader?

Of course I can.

No, you cannot. He was a voice,

some computerized echo chamber.

lf he's in the credits,

he counts.

He wasn't even on the set when

they were shooting the movie.

Come again?

Bet you any money he was

in Malibu the whole time...

sipping pina coladas by the pool

with some 17-year-old girl.

James Earl Jones?

While some poor slob was sweating

his ass off under the costume.

A few months later, he throws his

voice and walks out with a check.

You're a cook

in a restaurant, right?

I wondered if you'd been invited to

any James Earl Jones' pool parties.

I may not be

in the movie business...

but I have cable.

I know what a stand-in's for.

They're called ''doubles''.

Same difference.

No Darth Vader.

The only rule to the game is

the guy appears in the credits.

James Earl Jones's name

appears in the credits...

therefore he's

a correct response.

He's been in about fifty

movies. Give me a second.

''Star Wars Two''.

What are you laughing at?

You said sequels were good.

There's no such film.

Yeah, there is. Like, that smart

little smurfy midget in it.

-''Yogi''.

-Yoda.

Yoda.

Same thing.

The sequel wasn't called

''Star Wars Two''.

it wasn't?

it wasn't called

''Star Wars Two''?

it was the ''Empire'' thing...

the ''Empire''...

the ''Empire''...

the ''Empire''...

''The Empire Fights Back''.

''The Empire Strikes Back''.

That's four-zip.

Im kinda killing you.

-How much closer can you get?

-The correct answer would be closer.

Let's see...

''Cape Fear''.

-Robert De Niro.

-The original.

What original?

its a classic film with

two huge stars, major stars.

Ill give you a hint:

Nineteen Sixty-One.

Nineteen Sixty-One

is a hint?

Kirk Douglas?

Chariton Heston?

Nineteen Sixty-One,

Bing Crosby?

-Bing Crosby?

-Yeah, Bing Crosby.

Bing Crosby in

''Cape Fear''?

What? They made a lot of

musicals back then.

Gregory Peck,

Robert Mitchum...

and Telly Savalas

in a small supporting role.

I told you before.

I work...

Major film producer.

I know. You told me.

Don't be a sore loser.

-Im not sore.

-Don't worry, Tom.

Im gonna do whatever it takes

not to let this silly I.Q. thing...

get in the way of our

new friendship, all right?

People can be cruel...

to people intellectually

challenged, such as yourself.

I don't know

your daily struggles...

like trying to figure out

which shoe goes on which foot.

All right.

-You give?

-I give.

-You give?

-I give.

-You give up too easy.

-I was being nice.

I didn't want you to feel inadequate

after the mental bashing I gave you.

You know, how much can one

person take in one night?

-Thank you for the compassion.

-its my fatal flaw.

Compassion?

-I just can't stop giving.

-And that's a flaw?

Well, people can take

advantage of...

You have really

beautiful eyes.

I need a...

I want a drink.

Do you want a drink?

Ive got some scotch.

Drink?

Ive got beer.

Do you want a beer?

Do you have a boyfriend?

-No, I have beer.

-Do you have a girlfriend?

No, I don't.

Sh*t, you're married.

No, Im not married.

So what's the problem?

What do you mean,

there's no problem.

You didn't just notice the

sudden change of subject occur?

-Can we just talk some more?

-Talk.

I just...I need a few more

minutes with this.

Have you ever been

with a guy before?

-Tell the truth.

-I am.

its totally cool

if you haven't.

Well, I have.

its actually sort of

a turn-on if you haven't.

Well, I have.

-Im a little nervous.

-So am I.

-You're nervous.

-Im serious.

I may be a little slow

with all this...

you don't come off

as a rookie to me.

Look...

I can't ever remember

making a move like that.

Im usually ''a big

scared cat'', seriously.

You don't seem it.

Well, I guess Im good

at hiding it, then.

You are.

Well, it's just you're easy

to be with, you now?

That doesn't happen every day.

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