Telling the Story of Us Page #3

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...Charlene is not some bimbo.

She's a stockbroker named Ralph...

...pretending to be some bimbo

named Charlene.

Why piss on something so beautiful?

What'd I say?

It's not an affair.

Teresa never had sex with him.

They just kissed.

-A kiss is an affair.

-You think so?

Absolutely.

Once you establish anything

truly intimate with another person...

...even talking...

...it affects the person you're

the most intimate with.

But Teresa could f*** her husband,

she just couldn't kiss him.

I mean, really kiss him.

It's not so crazy.

Sometimes I'm so angry at Stan,

I could f*** him...

...but I don't want

that cow tongue near me.

A kiss can be so much more

intimate than sex.

Why is that?

Because f***ing means,

"Yeah, I love you." But a kiss....

A kiss means, "I like you."

That's so right.

I haven't made out, I mean,

really made out with Larry for years.

Doesn't that make you sad?

Not really.

Why?

I don't know.

Because it's inevitable.

It's the wear and tear of the job.

The diapers, the tantrums,

the homework.

The kingdom, species,

your mom, his mom.

Suddenly, all you're aware of is

the wet towels on the floor...

...he hogs the remote and

he scratches his back with a fork.

And you come face to face with

the truth that it's impossible...

...to kiss a person who leaves

the new roll of toilet paper...

...on top of the empty cardboard roll!

God forbid he takes the two seconds

to actually replace it!

Does he not see it?!

I'm telling you, marriage is

the Jack Kevorkian of romance.

Oh, God!

Jesus! Sh*t!

-He hit me!

-I didn't!

I was leaving the room,

she stood in my way.

-He did it on purpose.

-Guys, hold on!

Ben? What?!

Katie, you won't believe

what I'm standing in front of.

They're tearing down

our old apartment.

-What?

-See?!

Josh, did you hit her?

She started it!

I told her never to come in my room

without asking.

It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's.

There goes her window!

You borrowed her Discman

without asking?!

Yeah, but she was done with it.

She hasn't used the Discman

in two days!

Just hit Jack Roikman's place.

Remember his patriotic orgasms?

"God bless America! God bless America!

Land that I love!"

Can't you let him use yours?

No! He never lets me use it!

Ben, I can't talk right now.

This is where you and I started.

This is where we became an "us."

Just hit where we used to

measure the kids' heights.

Ben, I-- Josh, you shouldn't have

hit your sister. No TV for a week.

You're so unfair!

Wait until I tell Dad!

Jesus Christ! I gotta go!

Are you okay?

Goddamn it!

Fantasizing isn't cheating?

Oh, please! Who is getting hurt?

Yesterday, I met this

stunning blond woman...

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