Swiss Army Man Page #3

---

I'd have to go digging

under the bushes by the freeway

and sneak into my dad's stash.

I mean, before the Internet,

every girl was a lot more special.

I bet you probably did the same thing,

make up little love stories

for each of them.

What kind of love stories?

Well...

her name might have been... Jessie.

And you'd imagine

bumping into her on the street

and whisking her off her feet.

Sign a one-year lease together.

Cook dinner together.

Watch Netflix.

Ah.

Hank, something's...

something's going wrong with my b*obs.

What do you mean?

They're going crazy.

Holy sh*t.

Ho... Oh, no. It's stopping.

- Huh.

- Hey.

What is Netflix?

Sh*t. Uh, n...

Well, that's...

Normally when you go on a date

with a girl,

you'd take her to the theater

to watch a movie,

but when you're... when you're truly

comfortable with someone,

you stay at home and watch Netflix.

Like, you and Jessie would probably stay

at home together all the time,

watching movies.

You'd... You'd fall asleep on the couch,

unless you were throwing

one of your awesome parties.

Then a few years later, you'd...

you'd get married.

You'd have a... a small wedding,

nothing big, and... and you'd have twins,

and you'd have to get a second job to pay

the bills, but you wouldn't care, because...

because you'd be going camping

all the time with your family, and...

and you'd tell her she looks

even more beautiful with gray hairs.

Manny.

Manny, I think my love story

is bringing you back to life!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

- It's moving!

- What's happening?

- What is that?

- It's alive!

- What is it?

- It's moving!

Oh, God, I'm disgusting!

No, no. No, no, no, you're not disgusting.

No, my body is disgusting. It's horrible!

No, it's okay. This happens to everybody.

This happens to everybody, it's normal.

- Really? Okay.

- Yeah. Uh...

It's okay. Calm down.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Let's just...

Let's just take this away for a second.

Calm down. It's okay.

Okay.

Holy sh*t.

Jessie.

Manny, I think your penis

is guiding us home.

Oh.

Hey, nothing's happening, Hank.

You think I'm broken?

Ah, that's okay.

Look, sometimes when you do something

too many times,

it has less of an effect.

It's like the... the law

of diminishing returns.

It happens to everyone.

That's why there are so many fetishes

out there.

- Fetishes?

- Yeah.

See, everybody has

their own special tastes.

Girls must be so nice if they let guys

do all those things to them.

Yes, they are very nice.

Remember when you put

that cork in my butt?

Yeah.

- Did that count as sex?

- Manny, no.

I wanna have sex.

I wish there was some way

I could pretend to do it.

It's called masturbation.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes