Submarine Page #2

Just gonna let things take their own path.

- You have a good day, Lloyd.

- OK, cheers, Graham.

- Give my love to Jill.

- Will do.

- Ciao, Lloyd.

- Goodbye.

- You go get 'em, killer.

- I will.

As usual, Dad drops me

That way, I can slip in unnoticed,

like a torpedo.

Watch your step, motherf***er!

Ha-ha

You've got to wake up.

How many times have I told you?

- Ellis?

- Yes, sir.

- Griffiths?

- Here, sir.

- Harris?

- Yes, sir.

- Davies?

- Yes, sir.

- Morris?

- Sir.

Preece?

Preece? Anyone seen Zoe?

- Tate?

- Yeah, present.

- Pritchard?

- Yes.

Smuts?

Wanker!

Zoe Preece hasn't been

in school for a while,

so I've written a pamphlet

on how to break out of the victim cycle.

I've also given her two

examples to inspire her.

Firstly, Rhydian Bird,

who pulled his trousers down to fart.

And followed through,

calling an unhealthy turd onto the tarmac.

But instead of looking embarrassed,

he screamed with laughter and pointed.

Nobody could tease him about it

cos he was so proud.

How do you even know

all men read poems?

All men do, unless you're gay.

Are you gay?

Secondly, Chips.

He wasn't even considered hot

until the Watkins twins stabbed him

in the back with compasses.

He said nothing,

showed no discomfort.

As his shirt.

Blossomed with blood poppies.

His stoicism reminded me of the brave men

who died in the First World War.

Chips is an outstanding bully.

He once made our Religious Education

teacher cry using only Blu-Tack.

Right, now, now, now.

I don't quite know what I am yet.

I've tried smoking a pipe...

...flipping coins...

listening exclusively to French crooners.

Other times I go to the beach

and stare at the sea.

Someone made a documentary

about a prominent thinker

who struggled with unspeakable loss.

I've even had a brief hat phase.

But nothing stuck.

- Gene.

- What?

The most secure route to Zoe is big Gene,

who, over the last few months,

has become her only friend and confidante.

Gene told me that Zoe had moved schools.

She was very unhappy because she was bullied

and one boy even pushed her into a pond.

Oh... I had no idea.

I persuaded her to give Zoe the pamphlet

by saying it was a love letter.

It's a big love letter.

I've got a big heart.

Sometimes I wish there was a film crew

following my every move.

I imagine the camera craning up

as I walk away.

But, unless things improve,

the biopic of my life will only have

the budget for a zoom out.

I feel bad, cutting into his head.

Why? It's just a f***ing frog.

It's still a thing, though. It had life.

Where do you think they get the frogs?

I don't know.

Probably a lake or a river nearby.

They probably have a guy that does it.

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