Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #2

---

they don't really know

what they've come to. They've come...

Friends have brought them,

the very worst...

Couple of people that like me,

they've gone, "Let's get

Gene and Chris to come as well."

And they've not... They've come

and they don't know who I am

and they've been whispering

all through it up there,

in the top bit there.

Like, "Is this who you wanted to see?"

(LAUGHTER)

"It seems like an aggressive lecture."

(LAUGHTER)

It's very strong,

we'll grant you that.

That whispering doubt,

that will spread all around

the top balcony up there.

And there will be no one

laughing up there by the end

because of people

bringing their friends.

I was quite happy with one night

in Sheffield, to be honest,

because when you've

brought friends along

and you can feel

it's not as good as it was last time,

which is a shame

because we're filming it tonight.

So thanks.

(LAUGHTER)

You know, being on...

I won some awards

but that doesn't help,

British Comedy Awards.

Because people go, "Oh, he's won

an award, we'll enjoy that."

You won't.

(LAUGHTER)

Winning a British Comedy Award

is like having a big sign

put over your head saying

"Hey, d*cks, come to this."

(LAUGHTER)

What can you do, though?

You can't stop people coming.

(LAUGHTER)

It'll be all right.

It's strong down here.

I'll just...

I won't even look up there.

(LAUGHTER)

So we'll press on into the void.

(LAUGHTER)

I thought I'd record this here

because last time I was in

this theatre it was really fantastic

but the audience is...

We got two nights now.

More people come, but you can see

it's a worse kind of person, isn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

Shame.

(LAUGHTER)

To have gone to all this trouble

with all these cameras.

"Oh, come to Sheffield,

it was brilliant last time."

You know, it was, but...

it's all right, innit? It's not...

(LAUGHTER)

Going well down here, innit?

But up there.

These people down here are thinking,

"Oh, that's the kind of thing he does.

"Mucks about like this.

It'll be all right."

And up there there's people going,

"I've not seen him before.

"He doesn't seem to be able

to do standup."

(LAUGHTER)

I can. I can do it really well,

actually. I'm really good at it.

I'm so good at it

that one of the things I do,

is I make it look like I can't do it,

but I can.

And if you're sitting there

having been brought by friends

thinking, "Oh, he can't do it."

The question you have to...

I've been on stage

thousands of times literally.

The question you have to ask

yourselves up there, people's friends,

is how many times

have you been to standup

and what kind of acts

have you seen?

It's maybe four or five times.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes