Stark Raving Black Page #2

so l will be hosting the benefit

in Washington, D.O.,

for the USO.

And l just think-

[applause]

l think that's wrong.

l think it's very odd

that we went in my lifetime

from Bob Hope to me.

l also know

that l'm mainstream

because a few months ago,

l performed at a benefit,

Tony La Russa's benefit

in St. Louis, Missouri,

for Animal Rescue.

And l followed onto the stage

Vince Gill.

And it doesn't get any more

f***ing mainstream than that.

Now, l know that some of you

don't know who Vince Gill is,

and that's because you

don't listen to country music,

and l know you don't

listen to country music

because

a lot of it is sh*t.

A lot of it-

a lot of it,

quite honestly,

is based on old

Jerry Springer episodes.

But Vince Gill is

a country music legend and icon.

And l thought that l'd followed

possibly every type of act,

because for 20 years,

l toured clubs

in the country,

and comics performed before me

that were just-

some were just-

they would scare

the sh*t out of you.

People, who the audience-

when l got on stage,

the audience was still

screaming, ''F*** you too!''

The strangest act

l ever followed onto the stage

was in a club

in Parma, Ohio.

This comedian

ended his set.

He was talking about

how he was

in the delivery room

when his wife gave birth.

And he said that he noticed

that her-

now, l'm quoting-

her p*ssy got bigger

and bigger and bigger.

And a couple of months later,

he was thinking about

having oral sex with her-

or as he put it,

''going down on her''-

and he thought back to that

moment in the delivery room

and felt, ''What if her p*ssy

gets bigger and bigger''-

hang in there;

you're adults.

''Her p*ssy

gets bigger and bigger

''and snaps over my head

and my head be

inside her p*ssy?''

''And now here's

Lewis Black.''

l thought that was

as strange as it could get,

and then l had to follow

Vince Gill.

Vince Gill is 6'7''.

But with his star quality,

he's 1 2 feet tall.

And he strode

onto that stage,

and 8,000 people

went completely nuts.

They were huge fans of his.

And he began to sing.

And l'd never, ever

been in his presence

while he was singing.

And let me

just tell you this,

that after 30 seconds,

l felt exactly the way

l feel when l'm taking a bath

that is just

the perfect temperature.

By the end of the song,

l can't tell you

what he was singing about,

but l know l have never

been that comfortable

in my whole life.

And then he told a story,

a really funny story,

a really clean,

funny story,

a clean, funny story

where he never said

the word ''f***'' once,

a f***ing clean,

funny f***ing story.

Son of a b*tch,

it was goddamn f***ing funny.

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