So You Want to Be a Gladiator

Synopsis: Joe thinks he's back in the gladiator days, and finds himself sentenced to be thrown to the Coliseum lions after breaking a string while playing the lyre for King Nero. His friend Homer says he will disguise himself as a lion, but Homer gets sidetracked and Joe goes out to meet a real lion with his lyre as his only weapon. But he wins out and is awarded a slave girl as his prize, until his wife steps in.
Genre: Comedy, Short
Director(s): Richard L. Bare
10 min

Homer, the boss is gettin' impatient.

We gotta put on a show.

No offense now.

Take it easy, Homer. It looks fake.

Come on, Homer, make it look real.

Not so much. You're overacting,

Homer, you're overacting.

Joe! Joe! I'm here. I'm not in

the lion's suit. Joe, it's Homer.

Homer, this is great.

They're eatin' it up.

Joe, look at me. It's Homer.

Homer, now listen, make this

look good. Make it look good.

Excellent. Marvelous.

Joe! Joe!

Homer, what did you have for lunch?

I'm up here in the stands, baby.

Im not in the lion suit.

Now look, I'm gonna put my head

in your mouth. Come on now, open.

Now close on my neck. This'll

be great. This'll kill 'em.

Joe, it's me, Homer!

- Hi yuh, Homer. Homer?

Nice kitty. Nice kitty.

Stay there, kitty. Don't you move.

Don't you move. Don't you move.

Stay there. What's the matter?

What're yuh cryin' for?

You recognize the cat gut?

It's your father? Ah, did Nero make

a lyre out o' your father? Ahh.

Oh, Homer, I just heard.

- Yeah, but he's, he's winning.

Winning? That means he gets

a slave girl, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah. He's winning. Joe!

How exciting!

Well done.' And now true

to my promise...

What, Rome is on fire? Well, don't

just stand there. Get me my fiddle!

Open the curtains!

- Coming, sire.

Wow! Come with me, my sweet.

The emporer's wish is my command.

But, sire, what about your wife?

Poo-poo, she can do the cooking.

Oh, she will! I mean, the three

of us all in the same house?

Tut, tut, my sweet. If she bothers

you, we'll get rid of the old bag.

The old bag! So.

- Alice!

I'll do the cooking, will I? You're

gonna get rid of me, are you?


- Well, we'll just see about that.

Honey... - Why, you two-timer, you!

- Easy, dear.

Fidelius! What a show! From now on,

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Richard L. Bare

Richard Leland Bare (August 12, 1913 – March 28, 2015) was an American director, producer, and screenwriter of television shows and short films. Born in Turlock, California, he attended USC School of Cinematic Arts where he directed his most notable student film, The Oval Portrait, an adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's story. He became notable post-graduation for writing and directing the Joe McDoakes series of short films for Warner Brothers between 1942 and 1956, featuring George O'Hanlon in the title role. On television, he directed seven classic The Twilight Zone episodes: "To Serve Man", "What's in the Box?", "The Fugitive", "Third from the Sun", "The Purple Testament", "Nick of Time" and "The Prime Mover". He directed virtually every episode of the 1960s-1970s CBS television series Green Acres. He also directed feature films, including Shoot-Out at Medicine Bend and Wicked, Wicked. On May 2, 2014, he acquired the rights with producer Phillip Goldfine to produce a movie and Broadway play based on Green Acres.His memoir, Confessions of a Hollywood Director discusses his directorial work, as well as behind-the-scenes information, and his service as a captain in the Army Air Forces' First Motion Picture Unit. Bare also wrote The Film Director: A Practical Guide to Motion Picture and Television Techniques (1971; ISBN 0-02-012130-X), a text to teach the craft of directing to aspiring filmmakers. On November 19, 2007, Bare announced that he was working on a revival of Green Acres.He died on March 28, 2015, at the age of 101 at his home in Newport Beach, California. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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