Shut Up and Kiss Me Page #2

Oh, when you left,

rememberl was dating Roy?

Roy?

Yeah, you remember--

my build, the brown hair,

the website designer

Oh, Roy, yeah.

So we're dating

for about a month,

and then he had to go

on this business trip to Thailand,

so the whole time he's there,

he's calling me,

sending me e-mails, postcards,

telling me

how much he misses me.

"Benny, I can't wait

to come back home."

So he comes back

to the States, and then...

I got to tell you...

While I was in Thailand,

I realized thatThai men,

they're so much deeper

and more spiritual

then white men.

So I can't date you anymore.

You can't?

Well, you're white...

and shallow.

Butl really really want us

to be friends.

[Ben]

There was Shane.

Flex your biceps for me?

Can I what?

Flex for me, baby.

[panting]

Seriously?

Yeah, it'll really turn me on.

I-- yeah I guess.

Oh, man...

that's so hot.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

[moaning]

[panting]

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

No, that was so hot.

Ijust shot my load.

You didn't even touch

yourself.

I know, right?

I'm really into muscle worship.

Yeah, that's great for you,

but what about me?

Oh, well...

you can still f*** me.

Um, I d0n'tthinkl have

any lube, though.

Hold on a second.

Ic0uldn't find any lube,

but I found some shampoo

thatl rubbed in my ass.

I think it'll be totally fine.

Um, I don't think so.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, the shampoo

Oh, my god.

Oh, my God.

F***, that burns.

[water running]

[Sighs]

Hello?

[Ben]

Then there was Tom.

We were dating for a few weeks,

and he told me...

I haven't had sex

since my ex boyfriend

ran out on me

eight months ago.

I'm sorry.

But I'm negative.

Here's my paperwork.

Um, I'm negative, too.

Do you always carry this

around with you?

I don't mean to be forward,

but since we're both negative

and I haven't had sex

in eight months,

could we have sex right now?

Tom, if you haven't had sex

in eight months,

why the hell is there

a used condom on the floor?

That's from eight months ago.

Yeah, eight months.

Did you touch it?

It's dry as a bone.

Go on, touch it.

Hold on to it.

[chuckles]

I'm not gonna play CSI

with your used condom.

You know what?

I betl know what happened.

I bet Butch brought it

in from outside,

didn't you?

Bad dog!

You think your dog

dragged that in?

Wait.

[laughs]

I lied.

I had sex a week ago.

Tom, I was here a week ago.

0kaY---

two days ago.

I was here last night.

Okay, two hours ago.

Can you please forgive me?

Oh, sick.

Wait, what are you

talking about?

Condom?

I don't see any condom.

Good dog, Butchie Wutchie.

Can we have sex now?

Oh my God,

the dog ate the condom?

Oh, that is so f***ing gross.

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