Short and Curlies, The


- Two peanuts walking down the road.

One was a salted.

- Do you ever get constipated?

- No, no, no. My mum does.

Why, do you?

I've decided. I'm gonna try Senokot.

Then the world will drop out

of your bottom.

I don't think that's very funny.

You've been decorating, then?

Don't you like them?

- I've just had them done.

- No, I do, actually.

It's beautiful.

Oh. I'm quite pleased

with them myself.

What's round and really violent?

A vicious circle.

That's better. You see?

You can smile. That's nice.

Lightens up your face.

It's good.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

Oh, you've heard it.

- I've got a blister on my heel.

- Yeah?

- You got a hole in your stocking?

- No.

How do you get your feet in, then?

Don't you get embarrassed,

selling these?

- Not particularly, no.

- I would, I would.

- You get used to it.

- I'd laugh.

Do you want some, then?

Yeah, all right, yeah. Extra large,

that's the one, that's me.

- Don't be so stupid.

- No, no, no, I mean it. Go on.

You're wondering now,

ain't you? Look at you.

- No. No.

- You're thinking, "Hello..."

- It's nothing to do with me.

- We'll see about that.

- So I'll pick you up about seven?

- Yeah, all right.

My feet are really aching.

- You got any clothes pegs?

- I use a foot deodorant.

I like it, I like it, honestly.

It's 'cause of

standing on them all day.

What else have you got to stand on?

I hope I'm not gonna get

varicose veins.

- 'Cause my mum's got a varicose vein.

- Has she?

Are they, like, hereditary?

Runs in families, yeah.

Noses run in my family.

You want to try a decongestant.

Hell hath no fury

like a woman's horn.

The trouble with wearing tights is

your skin can't breathe.

I know a funny joke about stockings.

- Go on, then.

- No, it's dirty.

- I don't like dirty jokes.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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