Sgt. Bilko Page #2

---

My wallet.

Oh, here it is. Empty.|It's in your hat, isn't it?

Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six...|no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good.

Well, you can start with this.|The colonel's car.

- OK, what's wrong with it?|- It's the odometer.

It says 12,000 miles,|and it should say 11,000 miles.

Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe|to go to his grandmother's funeral.

- I'm sorry.|- When I say that...

...I mean "visit his niece". And|when I say "niece", I mean lady friend?

Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.

- You want me to turn that back?|- Yes.

- I can't do that, Sergeant.|- "Can't"! He said "can't"!

Sarge, are you all right?

Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word|in this platoon.

I cannot violate regulations,|unless it's an order...

...in which case I would have to ask|Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order.

I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour.|We're all like family here.

Any one of these men|would take a bullet for you.

- Well, not in the chest.|- No, not in the chest, but in the thigh.

- Permission to speak freely?|- What, are we in Russia? Say anything.

You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom.

And frankly, I don't think there's a man|here taking his service oath seriously.

You know what? I'm gonna kill him.

Fender!

Now, this is the stuff|they should be teaching in the army.

- They are.|- No kidding?

Here's a mouldy oldie|for all our friends in the motor pool.

Ridin' along in my automobile

My baby beside me at the wheel

I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile

Brass!

My curiosity runnin' wild

Cruisin' and playin' the radio

With no particular place to go

Ridin' along in my automobile

I was anxious to tell her the way I feel

So I told her softly and sincere

And she leaned and whispered in my ear

Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow

With no particular place to go

- Sarge, where can we hide the horse?|- What horse?

All right, men! Faster.|The army needs these vehicles.

Bilko?

Sergeant.

Sergeant Bilko!

Fall in, men, now! And get|into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!

Hut! Hey!

Very good. As you were.

He means go back to|what you were doing.

Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir.|Have you lost weight?

Why, a couple of pounds maybe.

Nell and I have been|"sweating to the oldies".

- Ah.|- Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car.

Ah, well, I'm afraid|we're still working on it, sir.

- You've had it a week and a half.|- I thought I saw it on Interstate 30.

There. Thank God I have a witness.|Thank you, Captain Moon.

And the colonel thinks|I never test-drive the vehicles.

What is that?

That's horse sh*t, sir. I tell the men|"You have to test-drive... "

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes