Screwed Page #2

---

- NO, LISTEN.

BLOW JOBS GO THE WAY

OF BETA TAPE AND DRIVE-IN MOVIES

ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED,

SO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT.

- YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES?

- I NEED SOME SWEET NECTAR

TO ATTRACT A CERTAIN BEE.

- WHO?

- YOUR MOTHER.

- YOU HAVE A DATE WITH MOM?

- SHE HAS A DATE,

AND I'M FOLLOWING HER

TO MAKE SURE THE LOSER

KEEPS HIS INMATE

IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

- [sniffs]

DID YOU PUT ON COLOGNE

TO STALK MOM?

- DRAKKAR NOIR.

- OH, JESUS.

- HER FAVORITE.

LISTEN,

I GOT TO GET MY PORN BACK,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

THERE'S 10 BUCKS IN IT FOR YOU.

- 10 BUCKS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, EIGHT?

- MAKE IT 20.

- WISH ME LUCK.

- OH, DEAR LORD.

- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

[bed creaks]

- SHE WAS.

SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.

- SOLD HER TO BUY JEN'S RING?

- YEAH.

A RING SHE DIDN'T WANT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE SAID NO?

I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE HAPPY.

- I WAS,

BUT I GUESS THAT IN ALL

THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER,

I NEVER MANAGED TO...

GET HER OFF.

- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU

FOR THAT,

I MEAN, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU

HOW TO FIX IT?

- SHE SAID SHE DID--

THAT I DIDN'T LISTEN.

- WELL, ANY GIRL WHO SAYS THA IS EITHER LYING

OR TRYING TO FIND

A EASY WAY OUT.

- NO, SHE'S RIGHT.

I SUCK IN BED, DUDE.

- YEAH, HOW COULD YOU

POSSIBLY KNOW THAT FOR SURE?

- I ASKED.

- [laughs]

WILL, WE WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE

OF MONTHS SOPHOMORE YEAR.

I MEAN, I CAN BARELY REMEMBER

WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST,

LET ALONE WHETHER OR NO I GOT OFF WHEN WE HAD SEX.

- [laughing]

- YEAH, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

- OH.

- HOW ABOUT A CAPPUCCINO

ON THE HOUSE?

- IT'S SO FUNNY

YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT THIS, WILL,

'CAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY,

SOME OF MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I

WERE RECOUNTING:

OUR WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE,

AND YOU JUST HAPPENED

TO COME TO MIND.

UGH, TOO YOUNG

AND INEXPERIENCED.

AM I RIGHT?

[laughing]

- YOU WERE THE BEST LAY

I EVER HAD,

AND I'VE BEEN SEARCHING

FOR THAT FEELING

EVER SINCE WE BROKE UP.

THERE, WILL THAT HELP YOU

SLEEP BETTER?

GOD, YOU LOSERS

AND YOUR QUARTER-LIFE

PANIC ATTACKS--

IF I HAD A BUCK FOR EVERY TIME

YOU PUSSIES GOT LONELY

AND ASKED HOW YOU WERE IN BED,

I'D HAVE MY FAT SUCKED OFF

INSTEAD OF DOING THIS CRAP

FIVE TIMES A WEEK.

GOD, THANKS A LOT, PRICK!

- I'M SORRY, WILL.

- YOU A TRULY...

- TERRIBLE LAY.

- SHE WAS MY NEIGHBOR

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

SHE HAD SOFT HANDS.

- UGH.

LOOK, THIS--THIS IS NO YOUR FAULT, ALL RIGHT?

ANY OF THESE WOMEN

COULD HAVE TAKEN TWO SECONDS

OUT OF THEIR LIVES TO TELL YOU

YOU WERE MISSING SOMETHING,

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

THIS IS THEIR FAILURE,

NOT YOURS.

- I'M STILL THE ONE

WHO GOT DUMPED.

- SO YOU HAVE A FEW BAD HABITS,

A COUPLE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes