Screwed Page #2

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We're not criminals.

You fry chicken, I drive a car.

When that money comes rolling in,

I'll go crazy, man!

- I'll laminate my menus.

- Shut up, okay?

We know nothing

about kidnapping an old lady.

But what about her dog?

- You mean Biscuit?

- No, Muffin.

Yeah, she loves him

more than anything in the world.

I bet she'd pay plenty

for that old bag of fleas.

Yeah, I bet she'd pay $1 million.

Remember, we have to be quiet

inside the house.

Miss Crock is a light sleeper.

You ain't gotta worry about me.

This place is nice.

What the hell are you doing?

- I'm checking for electric eyes.

- There's no electric eyes.

- How do you know? They're invisible.

- Trust me.

I've lived here my entire life.

So, this is where the old b*tch sleeps?

Okay, give me the weenie.

Okay, Muffin.

I gotta special treat for you.

Cripes!

What kind of aim was that?

Muffin!

Bite my weenie.

The hell with this. Plan B.

Will you shut that dog up?

You bastard!

Would you keep it down?

"Keep it down?"

This thing is eating my hand!

Jesus, this is a nightmare!

Put him in the box!

Who's smarter? Now who's smarter?

What should it say?

"We've got him.

"Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog!"

- How does that sound?

- Fine.

Let's get the hell out of here.

$1 million!

This is the happiest day of my life.

- With that money, we can do anything.

- I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna buy me a four-star chicken hole.

I'll get a better neighborhood

and a listing in the Zagat Guide.

I'm going someplace warm where you

don't need layered clothing. Start over.

I got some good years left in me.

I can better myself.

I'm gonna register at one of them

four-year universities.

My friend...

...here's to second chances.

Did you have a lovely sleep, Muffin? Yes.

Now, we'll have a lovely breakfast,

you and...

Oh, my God!

Look at me.

Muffin!

Look what they've done to your mother.

I don't know...

"We've got him. Pay us $1 million

or he's a dead dog."

Who's a dead dog?

Willard?

Man, we've got so many choices.

- I'm just trying to get out of Pittsburgh.

- You said it.

Check out this. Bora Bora.

I was thinking more like Caribbean myself.

Whichever one has a school

with a strong liberal arts program.

Lord! I'm dead!

- We're going to jail.

- What do you mean "we"?

That's my picture on the front page.

Who would have thought kidnapping a dog

would make the front page?

Wait a minute. They think it was me.

They think I was kidnapped.

- They don't even mention Muffin.

- Why would somebody kidnap you?

I don't know, but they think someone did.

"There were signs of a scuffle,

the chauffeur's blood was on a wall...

"...and a note demanded $1 million...

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