Scenes from the Suburbs

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When I think back about that summer,

I don't think much about the army.

There was always

some sort of conflict going on.

Towns would attack each other

if a golf course was built

too close to a border,

or if a shopping centre

gave off too much light pollution.

So now, what I really try and think about

are my friends from back then.

It was the summer Winter cut his hair.

I wish I could remember every little moment.

But I can't.

Why do I only remember

the moments that I do?

I wonder what happened

to the other moments.

I wonder what happened to Winter.

- What are you kids up to?

- Nothing. Just a little up dog.

- What's up dog?

- Nothing much. You?

You're under arrest.

Take it easy.

Did you see that freak with the trench coat?

What's wrong with having one?

I have a trench coat.

What's wrong with owning a trench coat?

Serial killers and Columbine people

wear trench coats.

Or people that just like to masturbate

in public every now and then.

True. You don't want to date someone

who masturbates in public.

- So you don't masturbate in public?

- Never. That is a sin.

OK, that's a lie.

Ready? One, two,

two and a half...

three.

Yeah. You're my b*tch now.

You like that, boy?

Jesus! When did you get so strong?

I do yoga. Yoga, man.

Corpse pose, downward dog,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm thoroughly impressed.

You guys are in love with each other.

Yeah, that's kind of true.

How do I know

when, like, it's OK to kiss a girl?

When the time is right?

Well, you could just get totally hammered

and fall into her face like this one did.

- No, don't do that.

- No way.

- What was the situation?

- We were at a party.

- Was she staring at you?

- Yeah.

We're just sitting there

and she was right next to me.

- Was she drunk?

- I don't think so.

She didn't act like it.

We were all at a party, so who knows.

That's obviously a big factor,

cos if she was sober

it's much different than if she was f***ed up.

No, but, like, how do I go about just...

Delivering the cock to her?

Yeah, delivering the cock to her.

I think there's a missing link

somewhere in there.

So, when the situation comes

and you, like, think it's gonna be cool,

you lean in 60% of the way, right?

And then you let her go 40.

So then it's, like, consensual.

And you're not, like, forcing it on her.

All right?

I learned that from Hitch.

Wait.

You watched Hitch?

- He loves Will Smith.

- Yeah, he's a good actor.

Yeah. Oh, man, what a loser.

I'm a loser?

What the f*** is on your head?

What are you talking about?

Did you, like, actually pay money for that?

F*** you guys, this hat's awesome.

God damn!

I'm just trying out a new look.

Nice ass!

When did his brother get back?

I don't know.

I didn't know he got out.

He wants you to move schools now?

He can't just make you go to Westlake.

It's just that he thinks

that I need more discipline and focus.

Why don't you just talk to him about it?

I can't talk to him.

It's like...

It's like he's not even human any more.

He's really weird,

but he's definitely a human.

What he's trying to say

is your brother's a dick.

- Shut up, Paulo.

- F*** you, man.

I'm just saying he treats you

like you're his little b*tch.

Shut the f*** up, Paulo.

We're coming up to the border.

You guys have your IDs?

Here.

Here you go, man.

Let's see some identification.

Sorry. Borders are closed

to all Crossvine residents today.

Oakridge residents only.

Go ahead and pop the trunk for me.

So what brings y'all to Oakridge today?

We're going to visit y'all's mall.

- Visit our mall?

- Yes.

- Anything in the car I need to know about?

- No, sir.

- No weapons, drugs, paraphernalia?

- No, sir.

- Is he lying to me?

- No, sir.

All right, turn your car around

and get out of here.

Kyle...

..do you like humanity?

Yeah. Yes, sir.

Why?

Well, we're all humans and...

I like humans, so...

Can I be excused, please?

I need to go to the restroom.

Thank you.

What did you do today?

Not much. Just...

- You know...

- I'm right here.

Sorry.

I just hung out with Kyle and...

That's pretty much it.

Winter, I gotta say...

I'm worried about you.

- Bye, kids!

- Bye, Mrs. Mo Capaldi.

- Nuggets on the house, y'all!

- Right on.

Eat up.

That's a sexy outfit you've got on.

Thanks, Zeke.

You don't look so bad yourself.

Winter, get some nuggets

before they're all gone.

Dude, those things are disgusting.

- Hey, you missed a spot.

- Where?

- Where? Right here?

- No.

You came out nice and clean.

There's this one guy, Amir Love.

And his dad was a doctor, Dr. Love.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome, sir.

- And guess what his dad did.

- What?

He was a vagina doctor.

My doctor is Asian.

- How long is a Chinaman?

- How long is...

How Long is a Chinaman.

No, his name's How Long.

He's a Chinaman.

I heard Asians sleep

on really hard mattresses.

You guys hear what Sander said, right?

His parents,

from when he was born

till he was, like, three or four,

had this big round bed, and it spun,

and they would leave it on all the time.

And so all the time, when he'd, like,

he'd go into his parents' room, like...

And people would come over

and just make that noise.

And that's how Sander was made.

What was that noise again?

Guys!

I have something I need to tell you.

You're all characters

in a dream that I'm having.

I'm gonna wake up

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