Say It Isn't So

Looking at this picture,

I know you might be thinkin':

"Sure looks like a lonely place to be,

way up there".

If indeed you were, I'd have to disagree.

Truth is, when you stop to ponder it,

there's really no such thing as a lonely place,

just lonely people. That's what I believe.

You can be lonely any place:

up on a rooftop, at a big family shindig,

in a football stadium,

with 60, 000 other humans all around,

or even in a small town,

like Shelbyville, Indiana.

Now, I'm not sayin'

there's anything wrong with it.

In fact, loneliness is what ensures

the propagation of our species.

I think that's why most people get married.

Because they're lonely,

horny or out of money.

But mostly cos they're just damn lonely.

Of course, that is one hell

of a milk-toast reason

to link up with one person

for the rest of your existence.

But people do it every day.

They give in to their loneliness.

And the next thing they know,

they're trapped.

Perhaps I'm being too picky.

I talked to this counsellor once.

He told me that the fact

I was raised in an orphanage

has rendered me afraid of abandonment,

and therefore fearful of commitment.

Now, you can tell by my tone,

I don't think much of his opinion.

I'm ready to commit, just as soon as I find

that one woman I can't live without.

That one woman that gives

me goose bumps all over.

I simply refuse to settle for anything less,

like most people seem to do.

Like my boss, Larry.

Be a sport, will ya?

I missed Ruthie's birthday dinner last night

and she's makin' my life hell in a handbasket.

I know she'll go easier on me if you're there.

Come on now, Gilly. Do me this.

- Bring her a puppy, Larry. She'll love that.

- What the hell is this?

It's a Russian Pomeranian, Larry.

Nah, I don't wanna put

any American dogs outta work.

Come on now, Gilly.

Be a friend. Come on over.

- I don't know, Larry. Last time I...

- Thanks, buddy.

A slice of family life and home cookin' will do

your heart good. Bring some wine coolers.

We'll make it a wingding.

This is fine cuisine, Mrs P.

It's takeout, Gilly.

From Pizza Hut.

- Larry hates my cooking.

- That's not true, Ruthie. You know I...

- That's why he never comes home for dinner.

- I'm out there busting my ass.

If you're busting your ass, how come

it's the size of a goddamn beanbag chair?

If you put out once in a while, maybe I

wouldn't be seeking carnal pleasure in food.

All right! Call me old-fashioned,

but I don't think a child should be made

to picture her parents humping.

- I don't tell you about my sex life.

- You're not having sex.

- Are you having sex?

- Cher, tell Daddy you're kidding.

She's kidding.

She doesn't even have a boyfriend.

You don't need to have a boyfriend

to be having sex.

I'm just saying that a boy doesn't have

to be a friend to be nibbling my package.

- What? Are you...

- I think she's saying she's a whore, Pop.

- Buddy!

- Pervert! I am not.

I'm just popular.

Like Gilly here.

He doesn't have a girlfriend,

but I'll bet he's having sex.

Well, occasionally, sure, but...

Well, ultimately I believe in

waiting till one is married before...

How come you don't have a girlfriend? Dad

says you're confused about your sexuality.

- No, I never said that.

- I believe the term he used was "fagnostic".

- Right. Fagnostic.

- Larry!

- That's it! Go to your room, you two!

- What? Why?

She's just repeating what you said.

You always take her side!

You let her get her ears pierced.

- You try to stop her!

- I got my ears pierced because I like it, OK?

And I got these pierced because I hate you!

Hey, that was you on the Internet!

I am sick of bein' treated like dirty bath water.

I chase poodles all day so she can drive

around in a brand-new Saturn. Fully loaded!

The usual, hon.

This kinda thing makes a man wanna

bludgeon his family and get drunk.

That's pretty serious talk, Larry. Maybe you

should speak to a professional about this.

You mean a hit man?

No, man. That's the easiest way to get caught.

- Unless you did it.

- I was talkin' about a shrink, Larry.

Get real, man. That's for crazy people.

- Hey, maggots.

- Hey, Stewart.

What the hell happened to your hair?

You like it?

I just got it cut,

by the most beautiful woman

on the face of God's green earth.

- Looks pretty weird.

- Yeah, thanks.

She called it a European cut.

Says it draws attention away from my ears.

What'd she use? A f***in' chisel?

Who the hell cares? I tell you,

she's well worth the price of a hat.

She's new, over at Mega Kutz.

I can't trust the opinion of a guy

who scrapes up road kill for a living.

You can trust me with this one.

Man, she got the face of an angel.

Just gives you goose bumps

all over, you know?

Like it? Who's next?

- Uh, right here.

- Come here.

So how do you like it?

Oh, you know, just...

Just like it is, only not quite so long.

So you want it shorter, then?

Yeah, shorter. I think shorter's the way to go.

So you cut a lot of hair?

I guess so. I mean, I've been working here

a month or so, ever since I moved back.

Oh, so you're not from...

Uh, where are you from?

Oh, I'm from here. I was livin' in Oregon

for a while. Beaver, Oregon.

But then I moved back because

I had to help out with my daddy.

He had stroke number two

and he's paralysed now, so...

That's a... That's a shame. It truly is.

Well, it's his own damn fault.

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