Saraband Page #3

That damned Hindemith wrote:

"Lebhafte Viertel ohne jeden|Audsdruck und stets Pianissimo"

- You know?|- It looks difficult anyhow.

So I sat there with my|shattered mind and I tried.

I begged him to let me off|the hook, to no avail.

He made me play the same part|at least twenty times!

Finally I said. quietly:|"I don't give a damn about this".

I said that it wasn't a class,|it was animal torture.

Henrik was also angry,|but he laughed and said that I should...

try from the beginning, where it says:

"Lebhaft, sehr markiert...|mit festen Bogenstrichen."

I was so angry that I couldn't.|He said I was doing it on purpose.

I said that he didn't have the|skills to teach: I was unfair.

Dad is the most patient, sensitive and|courteous teacher there is.

He said it had nothing to|do with the teaching,

but rather with willpower|and discipline...

and that I was lazy.|That I was lazy!

Then I got up and left the|cello because I was trembling.

I said that it was enough for the day|and that I was going out for a walk.

He turned pale.|I'd never seen him like that.

And he said:
|"You're not leaving".

I put my boots on and|headed for the door.

I didn't hear him approach,|but he grabbed me by the shoulders...

You're not leaving!

You're not leaving!

I sat and cried.

And I said:
"Never again,|never again,

...never again".

And kept crying|until I felt empty.

Then I thought of coming over to see|granddad and begging him to help me...

leave that lunatic.|It was too much for me.

Now the old man can take|care of his crazy son:

send him to the farm,|go to the police...

or kill him.

Then I became aware that|from now on, I know nothing.

I know nothing about my life,|what I'll do or become.

Then I realized|that mom is dead,

and I can't ask her anything.

I was overcome with sorrow for|myself and cried again.

You must think I'm a very|nervous person, but I'm not.

- Do you think Henrik is suicidal?|- If he'd kill himself?

In an extreme situation like|the one you're describing...

could he hurt himself?

You know, to be honest,|I don't know my father very well.

I only know that deep|inside he's... good.

If not, mom never...

Mom loved him, you know?|They loved each other.

And I suppose I was|out of that love.

That's what I think when I'm feeling sorry for|myself and I get tired of my boyfriends.

Why can't I feel love|like mom did?

Were you afraid your dad would|kill himself after her death?

I never gave his|tragedy much thought.

But I tried to take care of mom,|as much as he'd let me.

Mom was never very talkative.

But on one of her last days...

She was always drowsy|from the morphine...

On one of her last days,|I was sitting beside her,

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