Ross Noble: Randomist Page #2

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''He's brilliant, he shines, he's brilliant!

''Ohhhhh, he's fantastic! lf there was

a power cut, oh, you'd know about it.''

So, anyway, you're very welcome,

my frizzy friend. Hi.

You're looking very timid

and slightly worried.

Don't be worried, everything's fine.

We've all got together, we've already met.

ln fact, just before you walked in,

we were all in a big Jacuzzi rolling around.

Yeah, it was a bloody nightmare. There was

a lass fired herself out of a cannon.

Yeah, it was great. This poor lad here,

he had a bit of an eye wash.

Just a bit of a... Just like that

cos it was getting in his eye.

- l'll f*** off, then.

- (Roar of laughter)

(Ross laughs)

That was great. Your face was just like that.

''Please leave me alone.

''l don't wanna get involved.''

Yeah, what were you up to? Were you out

sampling the joys of the city centre there?

There was a horse at the Monument

earlier on!

What's going on with that? l was walking...

You expect Christmas...

There's some sort of weird tent village,

as well, that's cropped up.

ls there some sort of refugee camp

turned up?

Just arts and crafts out of tents? lt's weird.

lt's like the gayest circus

l've ever seen in me life.

- Arts and crafts and then just a horse...

- (Laughter)

Just... Some of you aren't really sure,

are you?

Going, ''He's making that up, that's bollocks.

''l mean, the bit about the cannon,

that's true, yes,

''cos l do know a lot of shows

fire people into the audience,

''but, quite frankly,

a horse at the Monument?''

lt was next to the Monument,

it wasn't up the Monument.

That'd be a helluva Christmas exhibition,

wouldn't it?

They just open the little door

and push a horse right up to the very top.

Mebbes chuck it off like they do in Spain!

ls that Spain they do that? Chucking horses

off balconies? Welcome along.

Was it the horse?

Could you not help yourself?

What a nightmare! You've got to the front

and some bastard's nicked your seat!

No, no, it's all right, it's fine.

ls it in the front... Oh, yeah.

- Probably one of them empty ones.

- (Roar of laughter)

Oh, he was like Hercule Poirot there,

weren't you?

He was just going, ''Mm, where will it be?''

Probably not the ones people are sitting in.

That'd be hilarious

if all you heard at the back was,

''Hey, get out of me seat, you shiny bastard!''

''Sorry.''

He just about... ''Excuse me, l think you've

got...'' ''l don't think l have.'' Pull...woomph!

(Laughter)

That was his hood coming up there,

by the way.

l'm not suggesting you've all of a sudden

become a rabbi.

Some of this might not make

too much sense to you.

''What's that about? You pull a thing and you

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