Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #2
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2010
- 74 min
- 205 Views
did you make a tree fall
on Steve Baxter's car?"
"There's a lot
of Steve Baxters."
"Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow.
It happened at 2:15 on the
3rd of June this year."
"2:
15, 3rd of...No, that wasn't me.
I was in Africa that day
giving AIDS to babies."
He does everything.
He does everything.
Mm, I don't make the rules.
And well, I'm glad I didn't cancel
because it's fantastic to be here
seeing your happy smiley faces,
probably feeling very fortunate
that you managed to get a
ticket to see a living legend.
- Or am I...
- ( Cheering, applause )
Shut up.
I know, I know.
You lucky f***ers.
You really... I'm joking, of course.
The pleasure is all mine.
Thank you so much
for coming out,
spending your
hard-earned cash.
I know there's been
a recession on.
Someone told me.
I hadn't really...
Is it still...
I don't...
if I'm being honest.
Oh dear.
No, come on.
I don't understand
the recession.
It wasn't till last year
I found out
you could go
into your bank and say,
"Can I withdraw
my cash?"
And they could go, "No."
"What?"
"No, we ain't got it."
"I've got 50,000 saved."
( Laughs )
"You ain't. You ain't."
"Where is it?"
"Lost it."
"Well, have you checked
the vault?"
"It's empty."
"Well, what was the point of that?
You might as well have kept it in a
drawer, you spotty little twat."
I don't...
I hope you enjoy the show.
Or you'll let me know,
won't you?
If I say something funny,
you'll laugh and I'll go,
"Oh, I'll keep that in
for the rest of the tour."
If I say something that isn't
funny, you won't laugh
and I'll go,
"I'll lose that bit."
So some bits tonight
will be exclusive to you.
They... they will be
the sh*t bits, granted.
Okay, let's start the show.
Let's get on with it.
No one wants to be here
all night.
You can have too much
of a good thing, can't you?
Like heroin.
What?
Though too much heroin
is death, basically.
That's when you know
you've had too...
You go, "F***, I'm dead.
I'm f***ed."
That's the thing though
with heroin.
Try anything once, kids,
sure, but know this.
No no.
You think, "I'll try a heroin.
I'll just try one.
Give me... give me a heroin.
Give me one heroin, okay?"
Just have one.
"What's it like?"
"It's f***in' lovely.
I want more.
I can't just have..."
It's like Pringles.
It's like once you pop,
you can't stop.
That's... I think that's how it works.
I'm not an expert.
Believe it or not, I've
never been a heroin addict.
No round of applause for that?
See? No.
See?
No round of applause for never
having been a heroin addict.
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"Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 24 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ricky_gervais:_out_of_england_2_-_the_stand-up_special_16920>.
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