Private Parts Page #2

Symphony Sid.

And now... something

for a blue Sunday.

Howard:
From that moment on,

I wanted to be on the radio.

Show business

was definitely for me.

[Bouncy Puppet Music]

And for my 12th birthday,

my mother bought me

some puppets,

and pretty soon,

I was spreading joy

throughout the community.

# Biddi-bim-bom,

ay-yi-yi #

# Biddi-biddi-biddi #

# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #

# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #

Howard, As The Woman:

Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.

More. More. Ohh!

Howard, As The Man:

You like that, huh?

Oh, yes, I love it, baby.

Give it to me.

Oh, baby, yes!

Right there. Ohh!

Oh, more! Harder!

You want it harder?

Oh, yes, harder.

Please give it to me, please.

Ohh! Aah! Aah!

But why can't I play

with my puppets?

Shut up! You know why.

Ah...

You know,

life is very strange.

Nat King Cole:

# Pretend you're happy... #

Just about the time

my puppet career ended,

my whole neighborhood

underwent a demographic shift.

My parents said we're moving

because of those n*ggers.

They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's

going to be nothing but n*ggers.

Really? My parents

said we're moving

because of

all the Shvartzes.

Shvartzes are n*ggers,

idiot.

They're the same thing.

[Tires Screech]

I don't want to hear any more

of this, you hear me?

I'm half negro,

and Howard's half negro.

And anything bad

you say about negroes,

you're saying about us,

you understand?

# And nothing's bad

as it may seem... #

Mom, we're half negro?

I can't believe

the stories he makes up.

I mean, I never made him

wear my underwear to school.

And... And as far as my taking

his rectal temperature

every day till he was 14...

He shouldn't make

such a big deal.

He still grew up to be

a very well-adjusted individual.

Absolutely.

# Papa was

a rolling stone... #

Roosevelt High School...

beautiful.

A fully integrated

educational institution,

which of course meant

6,000 black guys and me.

And then I hit puberty.

That made things worse

because my penis

never got any bigger.

I mean, I was hung

like a 3-year-old.

Hey, seriously, these guys had

rhinoceros penises... huge.

You know, I've heard

black men complain

that they're

unfairly stereotyped.

Man, I'd love to have

a stereotype like that.

Now, because I had

such a minuscule schlonger,

I turned to drugs.

Unfortunately, the drugs

really made me paranoid.

Howard's Mother:
Howard, I smell smoke.

Are you smoking in there?

There's no smoke

in here.

Howard, your father wants to

see you downstairs.

[Gargles]

Howard.

[Swallows]

Howard, you're graduating

from high school this year.

You should be making some kind

of plan for your future.

You need a plan.

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