Porridge Page #2

Ah, yes.

No guided tour of Slade Prison would be complete

without meeting Fletcher, Norman Stanley.

Afternoon, Mr Mackay, Mr Beal.

How do you know my name?

It gets round. I expect you're

already a legend on some bog walls!

Typical recidivist. Been doing

porridge most of his life.

NEVER, I repeat never,

give him the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, come on, Mr Mackay, you know

I bide me time, keep me nose clean.

I'm no bother, am I? Long to do? Long

enough. What you in for? Got caught.

Got the picture?

What sort of pie is this?

Fruit pie. I realise that. I

wondered what sort of fruit?

I dunno. Comes out of tin

marked 'Fruit Pie Filling'.

So we have no clue to its origins?

No, it's NOT oranges.

More like...

plum or damson.

What's the hold-up? The defrocked

dentist's having a go at the cuisine

Move!

This food has no nutritional value!

Come on, Egon Ronay, shift yourself!

That's the matter with you! No-one

exercises their right to complain!

If you don't move on, my son,

I'll exercise my right forearm

down your throat.

That'll do.

Put your complaint in writing.

Would it do any good? No.

Hello, Len. It's the laddo's first day,

give him a small portion.

All you're doing, Banyard,

is getting up other people's noses.

We have certain rights!

We don't. We're in the nick.

I suppose you think you're entitled to something

better because you went to public school?

No, Ives, I'm used to this food,

I went to Harrow!

That's a good advert

for the public school system, eh?

It's worse for him 'cos he has had

further to drop. Professional man. Dentist.

Tragic. Tragic?! Tragic for that

woman he had under the laughing gas!

There's no need for that, Ives.

I'm paying for my peccadilloes.

You're paying? I'll have a large one

What's a peccadillo? It's a South

African bird that flies backwards

to stop getting sand in its eyes.

No. I know what you mean, though.

It's an animal called the armadildo!

Armadillo

No, that was King Arthur's codpiece!

I think that's what I'm eating

TOILET FLUSHES:

Don't worry, it may never 'appen.

It HAS. I'm here, ain't I!

Now, look. Whatever you're

in here for, you did it, didn't ya?

Yeah. Yeah. If we hadn't been caught,

we'd have been Jack the Lad, eh?

But we was collared. So don't bleat!

If you can't do the time, don't do

the crime. I ain't bleating! Good!

Prison is like life, you know.

You need something to believe in

in here, so you don't go under.

You can't buck the system.

But you CAN lift the heart

with an occasional little victory.

Well, nice talkin' to you, Rudge.

Oh, one more thing.

Don't hang about here. Ambush Alley

they call this. Not a safe place.

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