Playing It Cool Page #2

Well, take my story, for example.

There's no stronger force

than a mother's love.

I love you.

She keeps you safe, secure...

It's unconditional, right?

And then without warning,

the bottom falls out.

And you're left to watch helplessly

as your world comes crashing down.

- Mom, where's the prize?

- Mom's not here, son.

That's what love does,

it leaves you with Granddad

to go to Chile with Phillip...

and ruins a perfectly good cereal.

And that's the last time I saw her.

That's why every time

someone has said...

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- My response has been...

I just don't see myself ever feeling

the same way about you.

And there you have me.

By the way, that's my heart.

You know how some people

wear their hearts on their sleeve?

Well, I kicked mine out a long time ago,

and now he just follows me around...

chain smoking.

Okay, so, like I said,

it's been my life.

But then I met this girl.

Come on, Scott! Let's go, man!

These people are obnoxious.

Well, sorry there aren't

any perfect tens here,

but we're staying until they auction

off that couple's Champagne bath.

I don't care if they're all fours,

but if I have to hear one more four

talk about her vegan pet,

my sperm are gonna start

eating each other.

- Sh*t.

- Colorful.

- It's a gift.

- No, please, continue.

- I think I made my point.

- No, I don't think you're drunk enough.

I mean, we're fours now, but a couple

drinks from now... we might be sixes.

Point well taken... cutting myself off.

I think the rest of my night

is going to involve online shopping

and eating my feelings.

Online shopping...

I would have taken you for a porn guy.

No, I'm off porn. It objectifies women.

Oh, so that's a bad thing now?

No, no, I'm not against women

being objectified, per se.

I guess I'm just sick of men

not being objectified.

Oh, I'm sick of women not being judged

by how much money we make.

I mean, if I spend an hour

and change getting ready,

I want to be ogled.

I'm pretty much begging for it.

Exactly, and I'm tired of being wanted

for my body, but not my pocket book.

We're drinking $300 wine here.

My money is no good?

Oh, God, this girl's dangerous.

Do you want to do a social experiment?

Nice ass. You work out?

Is that dress a Valentino?

You know what this suit's made out of?

Boyfriend material.

That suit looks good on you,

but I bet it would look even better

balled up in a corner of a hotel room.

Well, I'd love to travel more,

but I have crushing student debt.

God, sorry... I'm sorry.

Oh, God, look at this guy, so stuffy.

Do the... the blow job,

the tongue-in-the-cheek thing.

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