Planet Terror

They called him Machete.

$70 a day for yard work.

Get in.

Sewage.

Have you ever killed anyone before?

As you may know,

illegal aliens such as yourself

are being forced out of our country

at an alarming rate.

for the good of both our people.

Our new senator must die.

And for that I will pay you $150,000...

cash.

He was given an offer

he couldn't refuse.

I cost the most...

'cause I'm the best there is.

Aah!

Set up, double-crossed,

and left for dead.

I took a vow of peace.

And now you want me

to help you kill all these men?

Yes, bro.

I mean, Padre.

I'll see what I can do.

He knows the score.

Where are my wife and daughter?!

He gets the women.

He's back

Machete

And he kills the bad guys.

No!

Oh, sh*t.

You mean that a Mexican day laborer

is a goddamn Federale?!

But they soon realized...

He's coming after us.

...they just f***ed with the wrong Mexican.

- Uhh!

- Action.

Suspense.

Aaaah!

Emotion.

Please, Father, have mercy.

God has mercy. I don't.

If you're gonna

hire Machete to kill the bad guy,

you better make damn sure

the bad guy isn't you.

Machete

Rated "X".

Brought to you from your friends

at The Weinstein Company.

Real pretty tonight, Holly.

God damn it, girls.

If you're gonna do that sh*t,

do it onstage!

Smokin' hot. Whew!

Cherry, darlin',

I told you too many f***in' times--

you can't be up there cryin'

and all that sh*t.

You know what a go-go dance is?

Useless talent number 12?

No, it's a happy dance.

You get up there

and you dance happy.

It's go-go, not cry-cry.

I'm quitting.

You say that

at least one night a week.

I mean it this time.

I need a dramatic change in my life.

I've always said you're funny.

Like that Chris Rock...

only prettier.

But if you don't stop

all that cryin' and sh*t,

I'm gonna have to fire

your f***in' ass,

and I don't want to fire your ass

'cause I like lookin' at your ass.

"Any girl leaving early"

"must check out with their finger"

"and have a bye-bye slip."

Here's my finger.

And here's my bye-bye slip.

We're gonna need some cash.

Dick. F***!

Aah!

Oh!

Ass bag!

Aah!

All right, boys. Come on.

All right, all right. Come on.

You guys know the drill, huh?

Wait here, Lieutenant.

I'll handle this.

Hey, Abby.

I can see you've had

a spot of trouble, Romey.

Would you like to tell me

what happened?

Well, they--they escaped.

Uh...

All three?

Yeah, l--

I don't know, uh--

I don't know how they did it.

Just, they got out--

I'm sorry, Romey,

but I just don't trust you anymore.

And you know the rules.

Hold on.

I'm out.

I swear, Abby, I'm--I'm--

You're not gonna

see me anymore, okay?

Not so fast.

I also want your balls.

I'm really quite attached to them.

Oh, sweetheart.

I was really attached to my specimens.

Now they're out there in the night

doing God knows what.

I can't do it, Abby. Please.

Please, Abby.

Hey. Hey! What are you guys--

Let me go, you motherfuckers!

Son of a b*tch!

Abby! Listen!

You don't need Abby!

There's more!

There's more!

I can get you all you want! Abby!

F***!. Motherfucking pussies!

Let me go, you son of a b*tch!

I can get you more!

No! No! No! Aah!

Aaaaah!

Pick this up, please.

Where's the sh*t?

The sh*t's right there.

The deal is still good.

No, it's not.

You held out on me.

Now I want all of it.

Uhh!

Looks like I got you

by the balls, Abby.

You certainly have.

So...

I'll ask you one more time.

Where's...

the...

sh*t?

Everywhere.

Oh, balls.

Get that thing away from my pumps!

It's just overheating.

I need to get to town.

It's just a stripped radiator cap.

Water leaks when it heats up.

No pressure.

You okay?

I'm just cherry.

Go on and have a seat anywhere.

I'll be right in.

Here, take this with you.

That's your good spring water.

Ain't nothin' good about it.

I bottled it myself.

I get it right there out of the dam.

Thanks...

J.T.

We're serving inside tonight.

The best barbecue in Texas

around the clock.

I gotta go.

Savin' lives, are you?

Now, how did you know that?

Now, that's a rump roast.

Mmm.

Open the shades.

Get some light in here.

Nice night.

Coffee.

Oh, sh*t.

I couldn't get off work this week.

But you only have to stay till 10:00.

A friend of mine will be here before

I'm going to eat your brains

and gain your knowledge.

What did I tell you?

No playing with toys at the table.

- Didn't I tell you that?

- Yeah.

There's a packed suitcase

under his bed.

Give it to Tony to take with him

when my friend picks him up.

I'll leave him watching TV.

But you need to be here

in the next 20 minutes.

Thank you.

Hey, what happened to your tooth?

Fell out.

Wow.

Think you can say a prayer

for your old man?

No dead bodies for Da-da tonight.

No dead bodies for Da-da tonight.

Amen.

Amen.

Who was that you were talking to?

Babysitter.

She's on her way.

- You believe her?

- No.

Me, neither.

F***ing catastrophe.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- How's it goin', J.T.?

- All right.

- Still open, I see.

- Oh, yeah, all night.

Cup of coffee

and a pack of cigarettes, please.

Free of charge.

Tonight...

is a special night.

What's so special about tonight?

Been open 25 years.

You should've thrown a party.

I did. See the balloons?

You're the second person

to show up tonight.

Who's the first?

Right there.

Must be passin' through.

Seems only strangers eat here.

I still eat here, J.T.

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