Pauly Shore Is Dead Page #2

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.|Why does she get everything?

[ Ululating ]

Oh, my God.|I hate this f***ing country.

[ Woman ] I have bras|that work harder than you.

Yeah, well, your bras|may be workin'...

but it looks like your panties|took the day off.

- [ All Laughing ]|- Hey, yo!

This nigga Pauly|is f***in' crazy, man!

You'd better watch it.|Your father listens to me. I have his ear.

That's not the only thing|you have of his.

You ever seen Pauly?|And then you see Pauly... on weed?

- [ All Laughing ]|- On weed? A lotta weed?

Oh, my God!

- [ Pauly ] Wow. That's a pretty nice rock.|- [ Woman ] Thanks.

It's a four-carat, emerald-cut,|blue-eyed diamond.

- [ Canned Laughter ]|- [ Laughing ]

[ Singsong ]|Yeah. My mom's was bigger.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!|- [ Camera shutter Clicking ]

- [ Laughing ]|- Well, that's it, you guys.

- [ sighing ] Oh.|- Well.

- speech! speech!|- speech?

- Yeah. Yeah.|- speech? Okay.

Oh, man.|Well, first of all--

[ Exhales ]|I wanna thank you guys for being here.

That means a lot to me.

I gotta thank my manager, Mitch,|and my agent, David...

for packaging this show.

I wanna thank|my girlfriend, Zoey...

for her patience and understanding|during my hectic work schedule.

- [ Kiss ]|- I love ya, princess.

- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.|- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

I'd also like to thank|my best friend, kirk...

who was always there for me|when I was doubting the show's premise.

Playing a spoiled rich kid|from Brentwood.

I mean, how perfect|is that for me.

It's awesome.

[ Pauly ]|To our new sitcom.!

- [ Pauly ] Whoo.!|- The last time I saw a steaming|piece of sh*t that big...

I was standin' outside the elephant|compound at the f***in' zoo.

- Yeah.!|- [ sighs ]

I can't believe the network didn't pull it|after the first commercial break.

[ Gags ] I swear-- I swear I'm gonna puke.|You got some Tums or something?

I only have a few minutes left.|I'll meet you guys at the club.

We'll tell the doorman|you're coming.

- Don't be late.|- I won't.

I thought Pauly's show|was funny.

Oh, yeah. It was, um--|It was hysterical.

- Yeah.|- so, what's your name?

- Ashley. What's yours?|- Tom.

You're that creepy guy|from all those movies, huh?

- No. That's Michael Madsen.|- Oh.

so, uh,|how you gettin' home?

- My mom's picking me up.|- Your mom.

- Hmm. How about I take you home?|- Mm.

I don't know.

Come on.|I'll huff...

and I'll puff...

- and I'll-- [ Kissing ]|- Okay.

- God, that's lame.|- Yeah, of course I want my usual table.

What the hell is wrong with you peop--|Just hold it a sec.

Pauly, I gotta tell ya, that is the funniest|sitcom I have ever produced.

No, it'll run a decade.|Ten years easy.

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