Onion News Empire Page #3
- TV-14
- Year:
- 2013
- 27 min
- 40 Views
I think a hobo lives there.Come on, I'll show you.
Is anyone else's heart racing?
- Bull's milk energy drink.
Blingo.
- Could little Courtney Carter have been kidnapped
by Muslim extremists
and forced to become a terrorist?
That's what some experts are saying on an Internet.
- Do you have a boyfriend?
I bet you don't.
- I need to work, Courtney.
- I bet you're so lonely.
I bet when you go on a roller coaster,
you don't even have anyone to go with.
- I don't need a boyfriend.I'm very busy.
- Busy sucking.
- Look, what do I have to do to get you to just be quiet?
- I'm like a Tsunami.
There's literally nothing you can do.
- Great.
- When we come back,the nation's poor
have pooled their money and started an oil company
in hopes of finally receiving support from the government.
We'll have all the details when we return.
- Vivian!
Can you come in here for a second?
Can you read this for me?
- Sure, honey.
It says, "microwave for three minutes on high,
then enjoy your steaming hot salad."
Here. Let me do it, baby-cakes.
- And in Ohio, a controversial new law
defines rape as anything Gary does to a woman.
- We're going live to new jersey in ten.
You ready, Sam?
- Yeah, yeah.Yup, yup, good to go.
10-4.I'm aces.
- Take a breath, kid.
- Could your teen be texting with the devil?
We'll have technology expert reverend Todd Graham on
to give us all the details.
But first, what would you do if you were 100 years old
and still not dead?
Sam West has the story.
- Thanks, Nikki.
What keeps a man of 100 from settling into retirement?
How about 60 million gallons of taurine
being pumped into his water supply?
A massive corporate scandal is unfolding here in New Jersey,
where a bull's milk plant
has been dumping thousands of gallons
of excess energy drink into the river.
- My husband just started dancing one day,
and now he can't stop.
- I feel good!
Oh, you got to love it!
- He says he feels good,
but it's clear that bull's milk
has been making this community feel very, very bad.
Sam West, Onion News Network.
- And though my father was dead,
I felt the urge to just kiss him on his lips.
So I did.I just--I just kissed him.
Yeah?
- Busy?
- Oh, I'm just talking to my listening intern.
Stop listening.
What did you find out?
- I think Cameron Grey is illiterate.
- That's why his teleprompter is just pictures.
- The car chase lasted for three hours
and ended in a fiery, exciting wreck.
- All right,we need hard evidence.
When you go after the top dog,better bring a big gun.
Trust me.
I know a lot about killing dogs.
- You want to be a reporter, right?
But you cant because of your eye.
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"Onion News Empire" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/onion_news_empire_15293>.
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