Onion News Empire Page #2
- TV-14
- Year:
- 2013
- 27 min
- 40 Views
Well, uh--well, what if you ask me to punch someone?
- You'd have to do it.
- What if you ask me to dress up as a woman of distinction?
- You'd have to do that too.
- What if you ask me to dress up as a woman of distinction,
take a young male lover--a professional dancer perhaps
or an olympic swimmer--
get married and be happy for the rest of my life?
Would I have to do that too?
- I guess so.
- Then I accept.
Go forth, my little Shiva,and destroy.
- All right!
Everybody, gather round! Everybody!
Gather round!
All right.
I'm gonna get righto the point.
In the past month, we have had exactly one story
that got above a six-point share,
and that is because it was a cable news trifecta.
It was sex, violence,and animals.
I'm referring, of course,
to the bear mauling at the porn star charity car wash.
Cameron brought us that story.
Well done, Cam.
- Three porn stars and a bear named Harvey
died that day.
They are the real heroes.
- I found that story.
- Back in my day,our porn star mauling stories
had more substance.
- Folks, we need a hit.
We need a story that is so enticing
that when even the most moronic,the most ape-like
of our loyal viewing public see it,
they put down their microwavable burrito,
they stop beating their illegitimate kid
for 2 1/2 minutes,
and they pay attention to the news.
Now get back to work and don't let me down
and don't let down our mindless viewers.
- I'm gonna get that story.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Sir, I have an important story to pitch you.
Inner city schools.
I pose as a streetwise student named Ramon.
- Nope.
You're headed to South jersey to interview a man
who just turned 100 and still goes fishing every day.
- A fluff story? Sir, shouldn't I be focus--
- new reporters get the old people stories.
That's the system.
Now get going.- Yes, sir.
- Jillian!
I need somebody to watch the young lady we kidnapped.
- I'm really busy.
- You don't look busy.
- Can you alphabetize these,honey, and then throw them away?
- Can you do this for me? Thank you.
- Bill died.We need a grave dug.
- You need to learn to multitask.
You know what that means?
"Multi" means "many" and "task" means
"do what I tell you."
Courtney.
- Okay, come on, honey.
I'm very busy.
- Don't call me honey, dick bag.
- Excuse me, sir.
I'm looking for a very old fisherman, Kip ORourke?
- Oh, wow! That's me! I'm him!
I'm ORourke! I'm a man!
I'm a happy man!
I'm as happy as a snail all curled up in his tiny shell!
I feel like I'm sweating but I'm not!
- So tell me about--
- oh, there was one time i caught a 50-pounder
in the Gulf of Mexico back in '74.
You want to see an old mattress?
It's over there in the bushes.
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"Onion News Empire" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/onion_news_empire_15293>.
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