Onion News Empire Page #2

Synopsis: The journalists at the Onion News Network will do anything to stay at the top of their game. And if they can't find a great story, they'll create one.
 
IMDB:
7.0
TV-14
Year:
2013
27 min
40 Views


Well, uh--well, what if you ask me to punch someone?

- You'd have to do it.

- What if you ask me to dress up as a woman of distinction?

- You'd have to do that too.

- What if you ask me to dress up as a woman of distinction,

take a young male lover--a professional dancer perhaps

or an olympic swimmer--

get married and be happy for the rest of my life?

Would I have to do that too?

- I guess so.

- Then I accept.

Go forth, my little Shiva,and destroy.

- All right!

Everybody, gather round! Everybody!

Gather round!

All right.

I'm gonna get righto the point.

In the past month, we have had exactly one story

that got above a six-point share,

and that is because it was a cable news trifecta.

It was sex, violence,and animals.

I'm referring, of course,

to the bear mauling at the porn star charity car wash.

Cameron brought us that story.

Well done, Cam.

- Three porn stars and a bear named Harvey

died that day.

They are the real heroes.

- I found that story.

- Back in my day,our porn star mauling stories

had more substance.

- Folks, we need a hit.

We need a story that is so enticing

that when even the most moronic,the most ape-like

of our loyal viewing public see it,

they put down their microwavable burrito,

they stop beating their illegitimate kid

for 2 1/2 minutes,

and they pay attention to the news.

Now get back to work and don't let me down

and don't let down our mindless viewers.

- I'm gonna get that story.

- Yeah.

Right.

- Sir, I have an important story to pitch you.

Inner city schools.

I pose as a streetwise student named Ramon.

- Nope.

You're headed to South jersey to interview a man

who just turned 100 and still goes fishing every day.

- A fluff story? Sir, shouldn't I be focus--

- new reporters get the old people stories.

That's the system.

Now get going.- Yes, sir.

- Jillian!

I need somebody to watch the young lady we kidnapped.

- I'm really busy.

- You don't look busy.

- Can you alphabetize these,honey, and then throw them away?

- Can you do this for me? Thank you.

- Bill died.We need a grave dug.

- You need to learn to multitask.

You know what that means?

"Multi" means "many" and "task" means

"do what I tell you."

Courtney.

- Okay, come on, honey.

I'm very busy.

- Don't call me honey, dick bag.

- Excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for a very old fisherman, Kip ORourke?

- Oh, wow! That's me! I'm him!

I'm ORourke! I'm a man!

I'm a happy man!

I'm as happy as a snail all curled up in his tiny shell!

I feel like I'm sweating but I'm not!

- So tell me about--

- oh, there was one time i caught a 50-pounder

in the Gulf of Mexico back in '74.

You want to see an old mattress?

It's over there in the bushes.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Will Graham

All Will Graham scripts | Will Graham Scripts

0 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Onion News Empire" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/onion_news_empire_15293>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    Onion News Empire

    Browse Scripts.com

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.