Not Another Not Another Movie

This is stupid.

The whole movie

Is just stupid.

Makes perfect sense

Why i'm here.

Because this is...

Well, i mean,

It's a good part.

I'm directing.

I'm playing a mafia guy.

(imitating the godfather)

I've always wanted to play

A mafia guy.

I thought it would

Be very good.

You might think

It's a great opportunity,

But it's not.

You know what?

Who cares?

Ha! I'll just

Bite my tongue,

Think happy thoughts,

And get through this.

Sir, your coffee's

Brewing right...

Who am i kidding?

Sir, it'll be about

Ten more minutes

On the coffee.

Mm-hmm.

I'm screwed.

(alarm clock buzzing)

So i have this problem.

I have these constant nightmares

Of spoof movies.

Ugh!

It's so frustrating.

I'm totally haunted

By 'em.

Plus, i have

This other problem.

I get sleepy sometimes,

And i fall asleep.

The worst part is,

I never know...

Hey.

You were asleep

For a while that time.

I'm sorry. I have this...

I know.

You have problems.

We all do.

I moved to l.A.

Six months ago,

And randy was one of

The first friend i made here.

He's genuine,

And that's hard to find.

I moved here to be

Closer to my family,

And right now, i'm currently

Working with elderly people

At a nursing home.

I guess i just wanted to do

Something special with my life.

I wanna be

Your boyfriend.

What'd you just say?

I said there's not

Enough sugar on this.

Let me get

Some more here.

You're so silly.

She's so great.

So i work in

The entertainment industry...

(crash)

Oh!

So i work in

The entertainment industry,

And i work for

A great studio.

Sunshine studios.

They put out some of

The highest-quality films.

Quality might not

Be the word, but completed.

They have a lot of

Completed films.

But completed films

With a lot of heart.

Well, you know,

Maybe not heart,

But completed films

That include a running time.

Actually, i think

They might be having

Real financial problems.

Hey, ben.

My name's actually randy.

I don't know

Why the guys call me ben.

It's funny though.

Okay, take a look

At this gun.

All right?

It's totally fake.

Is it real?

It's totally fake.

Okay.

After the blank

Goes off right here,

Yeah.

All right?

A blood pack is going

To go off lightly

On your leg

Right there.

I feel like you're not

Listening to me, randy.

Randy, randy.

Yeah?

Okay.

Did you get that?

Yeah.

You're gonna use

Live ammunition.

Which is cool.

Seriously?

I'm cool with that.

Seriously?

There's nothing to

Be nervous about.

You'll be fine.

Oh, i'm not nervous.

I'm excited.

i get to work with

The c.J. Waters.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm gonna do this to him.

Watch it, c.J.

Your day has come.

(imitates gunshot)

And here it is in slo-mo.

(imitating slo-mo voice)

Watch it, c.J.

Your day has come.

So an actor doesn't show up,

And some genius here

Decides to put an idiot p.A.

In his place because

They wear the same shirt size.

And to think,

A few months ago,

I was so excited to work for

A real movie studio.

I hate it here.

I tell all my friends

I work at target.

Quiet on the set!

Quiet!

Cameras are rolling.

(bell rings)

Sir, can i just say,

It is an honor

To work with you.

I want you to shut up.

I loved you in that movie

When you were a cop,

And you were on

That missing persons case,

Only it was a lemur

From the zoo.

It was a ferret.

No, i'm pretty sure

It was a lemur.

I would remember.

It was a drama.

Why are you even acting?

You're a p.A., aren't you?

In the eighth grade,

I joined troop 1984

Of the thespian society,

So i'm qualified.

You better be.

Are you ready

To do this?

Man:
cue music.

You better be!

Action!

Give me the information,

Or i'm gonna blow a hole

In your head.

(whispering)

You're doing great.

We're still shooting, right?

Line!

The line is,

I have a wife

And two kids.

It's written

Right over there.

Right? You see it?

I don't have

My contacts in.

Say it anyway!

I have a wife

And two kids.

Say it.

Can i run home

And get my contacts?

No!!

I'm sorry.

Stay in character.

I know my terms.

All right, ready?

Action!

Please don't kill me.

I have a...

Let me try it

One more time, okay?

Cut. Cut, cut.

(bell rings)

Okay. Can i yell "action"?

No! Action.

Please don't kill me.

I have a dog

And three cats.

Shut up!

Cut.

Please don't kill me.

I am an orphan and have

No food for my widows.

Please don't kill me.

I have a wife and...

How many kids is it?

I forgot.

I hope you don't mind

If i ad-lib a little

Monologue i wrote.

I don't know

Where the information is.

You can beat it

Out of me if you want,

But i won't tell you.

Cue music.

Where is the bananas?

That's a joke

I'm working on.

That's a cut.

Cut that.

And action.

Not yet.

I'll say it.

Man:
ignore it when

Randy says action.

Okay, action.

Action.

Please don't kill me.

I have a dog,

And he has no home.

He's a stray.

That's my cue.

I quit.

How about we just

Cut to the part

Where i shoot you?

Okay, sure.

I was really excited

For that part anyway.

Man:
rolling.

Ow.

Ow.

Start the music again.

Let me have it.

Ow! My leg!

Ow! My leg!

My leg is shot.

Why did you shoot me?

(screaming continues)

Please, god,

Don't kill me.

Is that where

It hurts?

C.J. Waters, please.

I don't wanna die.

Don't say my name.

My character's name is allen.

Now do it again.

Okay, i'm sorry.

Allen.

Allen, i am in need

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