Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #2

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And it has, like, golden cellophane...

...and red cellophane.

I can eat 30, 40 of those f***ers.

And you can only get them at parties.

Like...

I have gone to restaurants and I go,

"You got any of them sandwiches

that are shaped like triangles?"

And they go, "No, all our sandwiches

are shaped like sandwiches. "

I go, "Oh, f***. "

And then...

I go to, like, a grocery store.

I go, "Yes, where is... What aisle

is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?"

They go, "We don't got none. "

"Have you tried a party?"

I go, "I'm trying not to...

...go to those things. "

But I don't drink,

so I'm no good at parties for that reason.

And drugs, I don't do them. Used to.

When I was a boy, young,

I would do anything, you know?

LSD, that was about the strongest drug

I ever did - acid.

I don't know

if you've ever done acid, but...

When I was young, they would tell me,

"You have got to be careful with

that acid, on account of you can do it,

and then you have a flashback.

Like, ten years could pass,

20 years could pass,

and then you get a flashback. "

So I thought, "Well, that sounds like

a good deal," you know?

I went to my drug dealer Frank.

I said, "Frank...

is there a drug on the market

where I pay you $5...

I take the drug, I get high,

and then, 20 years later,

I get high again?"

He said yes.

And I think of myself as somebody

who's good at stretching his drug dollar.

But the point of the whole thing

is for me to tell you young folk...

that it's not...

it's not true at all, you know?

Because I have not done LSD

since I was a teenager.

Ten years have passed,

20 years have passed.

Sadly, 30 years have passed.

And still...

no flash-

What a gyp that turned out to be.

I...

Just more horseshit

by the big acid companies if you ask me.

I don't want to...

I don't want to get too political, but...

...if you think big acid...

cares about you, the little guy...

They care about

their third-quarter profits.

That's what they care about.

You know, my friend is a vegetarian.

And have you ever been wrong,

and you suddenly realize,

you know, like...

Because she... all her arguments

are right about vegetarianism.

She'll go, like,

"How can you kill an animal

when you can get the same

from the grass of the field?

It makes no sense. "

And then I go, "I like pork. "

So...

Of course, she's right...

and I'm wrong.

And it's weird

when you realize you have been wrong

about everything that you ever believed -

about vegetarianism, not everything.

Imagine if you woke up and you realized

you were wrong about everything.

You just woke up and you go,

"Goddamn. I have been wrong about

every single thing I have ever believed. "

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