Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #3

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- YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO THERE?

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU NEED TO GET INTO

SOME OF THAT GOOD DIRTY TALK.

YOU KNOW--

SHAKER, PLEASE.

- OR YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU DO IS YOU SAY,

"OOH, TOUCH

MY LITTLE JEWISH DANGLER

"TILL IT GETS CHUBBY

AND CRIES YOGURT."

- YEAH.

- GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU SAY

IN THE BEDROOM?

- NO ONE TALKS

DURING THE ACT.

ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN.

NOW, IF YOU COULD

JUST GET ME:

A COUPLE OF CANS

OF TUNA FISH.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- UH, WE DON'T HAVE TUNA.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA FISH?

- I AM CARRYING.

- WE'RE MAKING

TUNA-TINI, BABY.

- SOME PEOPLE KNOW I AS A MARTUNA.

- THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY

KNOWS IT AS:

THE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA.

- THERE'S A FUNNY STORY

ABOUT THIS DRINK.

I WAS HAVING LUNCH

WITH DICK VAN PATTEN,

AND I TURNED TO DICK

AT ONE POINT,

AND I SAID, "DICK,

THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA

"IN YOUR TUNA-TINI,

BUT MY MARTUNA:

NEEDS MORE TUNA,"

AND WE LAUGHED OVER IT.

- AND I THEN SUBMITTED THA TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN"

IN NEW YORKER MAGAZINE.

- AND THEY CANCELLED

OUR SUBSCRIPTIONS.

- SO...

- SO...

LET'S ADD A LITTLE VODIKA

TO THIS.

- TO THE NICK KROLL

COMEDY SPECIAL...

NOT.

- [laughs]

LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD.

- MMM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

both:
YOU CAN REALLY

TASTE THE TUNA.

- THANK YOU

FOR THE HOSPITALITY.

- UH, BEFORE YOU GO,

CAN I HAVE MY SHAKER BACK?

- WHAT'S THAT?

- SOMEBODY TOOK MY SHAKER.

- WHAT'D YOU SAY, POITIER?

- LET'S SEE YOUR BAGS.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS A, UH, BUTT PRODUC FOR HEALTH.

- UH, THIS IS

THE HOT NEW THING,

WHICH IS "WARKMAN."

- OH, YEAH,

THIS IS DOG GIAMATTI.

IT'S A DOG NAMED

AFTER PAUL GIAMATTI,

'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.

THIS GUY CALLED ME UP

ONE NIGHT,

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS

A HEAVY BREATHER,

SO I J'D,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS,

I SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT,

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PUG,"

AND IT WAS.

- YOU HAVE MY SHAKER!

- WHAT THE...

- OH, IT FELL IN THERE

BY ACCIDENT.

- OH, THIS WAS THIS.

- OH, AND I'VE GO A LITTLE, UH,

STASH OF, UH, NOSE CANDY.

WHERE COULD TWO GUYS GO

AND DO A LITTLE COCAINE?

- UH, OUTSIDE?

- OKAY, SO THE BATHROOM?

- WE WILL SEE YOU

AROUND, JACK.

- UH, I PREFER NOT TO.

- OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WHOOPI.

WE'LL SEE YOU

IN A BIT, BUDDY.

- WHOOPI?

- YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE

KIDS ONE DAY.

AND BESIDES THE FAC THAT HAVING A CHILD

MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY

SAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE,

WHAT KIND OF SCARES ME

IS THAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO

EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM,

LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUS HAPPENED,

OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS,

OR WHO EXACTLY:

MICHAEL JACKSON WAS.

AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES

ALL IN A BUNCH ABOUT IT,

LET'S JUST REMEMBER

THAT BEFORE MICHAEL DIED,

ALL WE DID WAS:

MAKE FUN OF HIM.

AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAD

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