Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List Page #3

- Hi, baby.

- You hungry?

I was thinking

of ordering Chinese.

Look how thin I was there.

Am I in any of these with you?

These were before you were born.

Here's some of me.

I look so much like dad here.

The selfish bastard's not even

gonna send money this month.

We'll still be okay, right?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll start

a jewelry business.

What do you know about jewelry?

Remember that beading set

you got for Christmas?

I played with it

a lot more than you did.

Can't sleep again?

Well, at least you're

working things out.

That's what counts.

Thanks.

- I think he's in his room.

- Okay.

- Sats?

- Yes.

Floxinoxinihilipilification.

I don't have that.

The estimation that something

is valueless.

Thank you for that very cheerful

bit of wisdom,

Mr. Mcallister.

Soporific.

Soporific.

Quack.

Excuse me?

It means, like, a poser.

It was on my sats.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize

You had to take the sats

to get into doorman school.

No. It was for...

Forget it.

Why aren't you sleeping?

I tried it all...

ambien,

Counting sheep, weed, obviously,

- Complete works of Dostoevsky

- Dostoyevsky.

Don't care.

I jerked off for a while.

Okay.

That's... that's plenty.

How long has this

been going on for?

A while.

I blame Naomi.

I was five.

She was seven.

We were left alone

in the elevator together

Completely unattended,

and she lifts up her skirt

And sticks her tongue out at me.

And?

And my heart completely

leaped out of my chest.

Naomi has owned it ever since.

Wasn't that like ten years ago?

And doesn't she have

a boyfriend now?

If you're referring to Bruce 2,

then technically, yes,

But I know that I shall

forever be

Bruce 1 to her in every way.

Bruce 2, I laugh at you.

Oh, plus, just last spring,

we're back in our same elevator,

She's eating a snickers bar.

She leans into me,

and kisses me,

Completely sucking my soul

out of my body and into hers.

let me taste your honey

I need more,

I can't get enough of you

let me taste your honey

so hot,

you know just want I need

See ya.

Have a good night.

I love the taste of snickers.

Naomi.

Ely!

Where the eff were you?

I love that you worry.

I texted you, like,

37,000 times.

Happy hour had a happy ending.

I made out with

the hello hottie.

You're giving me that same look

you gave me when I told you

Whole foods stopped carrying

chocolate-chip bagels.

Fine.

It's just...

Since when do you go around

kissing random guys?

It's not random.

He's from the upper east side.

And he invited me

to his parents' place

- For Shabbat on Friday night.

- We never do the east side.

Whoa, since when?

And you're not even Jewish.

No.

But I could be.

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