My First Claire

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I had big plans that summer,

I was going to learn some things.

Ted, we're home.

Teddy!

What are you doing in here?

- Nothing!

See, that year, 1989,

everything had gotten confusing.

It all started when I danced with

my cousin at her birthday party

and got a hard on.

Completely naked?

Oh that's

- Oh yeah!

And I realized that all the guys

at school knew things that I didn't.

What's wrong with him?

He is such a loser!

They had secret hand signals

and their own code.

Come on, let's go guys.

And I was just trying to keep up.

Bernie Plotkin was a big help.

He was kind of an expert

on all things sexual.

So you wake up

and then there is

stuff in your pants.

Yup!

From the dream.

He told me a few things

for a price.

He charged a buck

for one of his dad pornos.

I had always

assumed that my

father would be the one

to teach me this stuff.

But things changed.

I met someone

and

we've fallen in love.

Oh bullshit,

he's an a**hole.

He doesn't

even know what love is.

A horny f***er.

He just wanted something tighter

he could stick his dick in.

Sh*t!

I've gotta go.

But at home,

now that my dad was gone,

everything was different.

I had to figure it all out

on my own.

And I had a lot

to learn.

Teddy, come on!

OK, sorry.

Fluff?

Yes fluff, of course fluff.

No fluff.

Sh*t!

You are always

forgetting my stuff!

It's not fair!

I am not Teddy,

it was an accident.

The babysitter

will get you something.

Hannah it's your turn to help.

You finish unpacking.

I'm in the middle

of some stuff.

You are not!

Who ever heard of a

fluffernutter without fluff.

That's called a

peanut butter sandwich

and it is disgusting!

Ted, I'm sorry about the fluff.

Now please just help me.

I need to get on the road.

What the hell!

Guys, please!

I'll be gone in just a few minutes

then you can

kill each other all you want.

You're just a lazy lardo!

Are you kidding me?!

- Just knock it off!

Mrs. Kargman?

- F***.

Claire

Hi sorry to interrupt.

Oh, no, no

don't be silly,

just a little family spat.

OK, this is Hannah

and this is Teddy.

Hi.

Hannah

why don't you show

Claire her room?

Fine.

I'm gonna show you your room.

Teddy!

Teddy, clean that mess up.

Please.

OK Teddy I'm off!

Now I want you to try and

behave this weekend, OK?

Mom, I don't need babysitting!

Please, I am exhausted.

I need a break.

Please, let me get

out of here, OK?

Mom, I've been

going to sleepovers alone

for like a year now.

OK, Teddy please,

just stop, this now.

Claire!

Mom!?

Teddy,

listen...

I will be back in 2 days.

All right?

Before you even know it, OK.

All right.

Claire! Oh

there you are

Claire

Teddy is a little worried

about staying home alone.

You'll take good care

of my little teddy bear, won't you?

Of course I will!

See, my little baby.

Have a good time, OK?

I'll see you later.

I love you.

I love you too.

Have fun baby.

Don't worry about a thing

while you are gone.

We'll be fine.

Thank you Claire.

Goodbye buddy.

I don't feel so good.

Okay.

Teddy?

One fluffernutter sandwich,

at your service.

Wow, thanks!

Sure!

Your mom said that

you love those, so...

I mean, she's gone

and Hannah won't

come out of her room

so you wanna hang out?

I just don't feel good.

Is

is this, normal Ted?

You know everybody

hanging out in their rooms

not talking to each other?

Aha.

Well, I want to have

some fun this weekend.

You gonna help me out?

Aha.

All right.

You and me we are

going to have some fun.

Yeah,

Hi,

is Bernie home?

It's Teddy Kargman.

OK, thanks.

Bernie, Hi

look, I need some advice....

Hey Claire,

thanks for the sandwich.

Decent, but I'll give you some

pointers for next time.

Well I'm sorry

it wasn't up to par

you'll have to show me

some of your tricks.

Want some coke?

I usually have wine with dinner.

You know, European style.

Why didn't anybody

tell me the pizza was here?

You want some?

There should be a

decent white in the fridge.

What are you doing?

Teddy.

Give me this.

Guys!

You're such a moron.

Why are you wearing

dad's stupid shirt anyway?

Hannah come on,

he's just, being sweet.

No.

It's because you like her,

isn't it?

Shut up.

He's just horny.

Hannah?!

Shut up!

We're like the same age!

Jeez, what a little badass.

It's a nice shirt,

whosever it is.

It's mine.

I promise.

Well it looks nice on you.

Very spiffy.

Thanks.

So

how about we go to the beach?

Beach?

Yeah. I'm supposed to meet

a friend there tomorrow.

It will be fun.

I want you to come.

You and me

at the beach?

Yeah!

Teddy!

What are you doing up?

I:

I just

Were you watching me Teddy?

What?

Just now, you weren't

snooping were you?

No.

Jeez.

It's OK.

It's perfectly natural.

I'm really excited

about tomorrow Ted.

It's supposed to be

a beautiful day.

Sweet dreams.

You have a girlfriend?

No.

No?

You mean there aren't any

little girls

around the neighborhood

that you're interested in

or, at school?

Oh, well

I haven't really ever

gotten

to

I haven't even thought

about having a girlfriend

really.

Really?

Little stud like you.

Well...

I mean

the kids at school

aren't exactly,

very

well nice to me.

What?

I'm not exactly

the coolest kid around.

Is what I'm saying.

That is unbelievable.

I need to go have a word

with those children.

Cool! Well I bet your

teammates loved you for that.

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