Mulan Page #2

Scarier than the Undertaker,

We are meeting our matchmaker!

Destiny, guard our girls,

Help our future as it fast unfurls

Please look kindly on these cultured pearls

Each a perfect porcelain doll ...

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us all!

Matchmaker:

Fa Mulan?

Mulan:

Present!

Matchmaker:

Speaking without permission ...

Mulan:

Oops ... [They go inside]

Granny Fa:

[to Fa Li] Who spit in her bean curd?

Matchmaker:

Too skinny ... not good for bearing sons.

Crickee hops out of his cage, Mulan frantically tries to put him back in.

Matchmaker:

Recite the Final Admonition.

Mulan:

Mmm-hmm-hmm ... [pulls out a paper fan and spits Crickee out]

Matchmaker:

Well?

Mulan:

Fulfill your duties, calmly and ... [glances down at the crib notes written on her arm, which are smeared slightly] respectively. Um, reflect before you ... snack. Act! This shall bring you honor and glory. [She fans herself, the matchmaker grabs the fan and searches it for cheat notes. Finding none, she grabs Mulan by the arm (where the notes are!) and pulls her toward a table. The writing comes off in her hand.]

Matchmaker:

This way. Now, pour the tea. To please your future in-laws, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity [she rubs her hand over her mouth, and the ink rubs off with a squeak] and refinement. You must also be poised. [Mulan, staring at the Matchmaker, pours the tea but misses the cup, then regains her composure and quickly fills the teacup.]

Mulan notices Crickee relaxing happily in the tea. The Matchmaker takes the teacup.

Mulan:

Um, pardon me ...

Matchmaker:

And silent! [sniffs the tea] Ah ...

Mulan:

Could I just take that back? One moment ... [She grabs for the cup]

The Matchmaker fights for the teacup, and they both fall back, the tea spilling all over the Matchmaker. Crickee hops down her dress.

Matchmaker:

Why, you clumsy! ... Oh! Ah! Woo! [She trips over the fire-pot, spilling the coals and then sitting on them, the bottom of her dress smoking. Mulan desperately fans the burned spot, and it bursts into flames. The matchmaker runs around screaming.]

Outside

Granny Fa:

[To Fa Li] I think it's going well, don't you?

The matchmaker runs outside, screaming.

Matchmaker:

Put it out! Put it out! PUT IT OUT! [Mulan throws tea over her, putting out the fire. Embarrassed, she hands the teapot to the Matchmaker and quickly walks toward Fa Li and Granny Fa.]

Matchmaker:

[furious] You are a DISGRACE! You may look like a bride, but you will NEVER bring your family honor!

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