Mr. Turner

1

Do you know

what he said to me last time?

I said to him,

"Are you the jolliest at home?"

And he said, "Yes, except for the door knob

because that gives everyone a handshake."

Oh!

Oi!

Aye, aye, me damsel.

Welcome home, Mr Billy.

- We've been worried to death about you.

- For why?

On account of that explosion.

- What was that?

- At Ostend.

Oh, yes.

I heard tell of that at Antwerp.

Dreadful.

Dirty linen.

Mr William's been getting

in a stew about it.

- Is he out and about his business?

- That he is.

You faring well?

Thank you.

- How was your journey home?

- It was execrable.

Oh.

You in need of anything else?

Tea?

- Good morning, Signor Grande.

- Mr Turner! Buongiorno.

- Joshua.

- Morning, sir.

We have damn rats.

No shortage of them in this city.

Wretched things!

It's an epidemic.

- What can I do for you today?

- Well, let me see.

- He is back?

- We are expecting him any day now.

Bravo! The prodigal son.

- Pronti. What do we need?

- An ounce of chrome yellow.

- Chrome yellow, Joshua.

- Chrome yellow, sir.

- A large packet of flake white.

- Flake white.

What is your price

for a bladder of ultramarine?

My price is the best price.

And what might that price be?

Blue ultramarine is coming

from far, far away: Afghanistan.

- What else do you need?

- Bottle of poppy oil, some Indian red.

- Poppy oil, Joshua.

- Yes, sir.

There's your prize porker.

Is he handsome?

He has a big smile on his face.

- You're making the sauce?

- It's all but done, save the brains.

Good.

Oh... dearie me!

- Will you take a dish of tea, Mr William?

- Oh, thank ye, Hannah.

Shall you be putting those chattels away?

I should.

- Best do it now.

- Yes.

Then I can rest me weary legs.

You're home, Billy boy!

Hey, Daddy!

I thought you was exploded.

I been down on my knees

and praying you was safe.

Well, you been chafing your old pedestals

for naught, Daddy.

I was a hundred miles distant.

- Oh, you heard tell of it, then?

- I did indeed.

Terrible, they pour souls as perished,

two score or more.

Took a few brave soldiers with it an' all.

I was vexed to learn

you been entertaining concerns, old Dadda.

'Twas only natural.

Oh, Daddy!

How was your crossing?

Set fair on departure,

lumpy in the middle.

- Did you sail from Rotterdam?

- No, Dieppe.

Oh.

Night coach from Brighton

proved to be an heinous travail.

How so?

It was stuffed full of yacking

and cackling females.

Pox-ridden harridan as broad in the beam

as the old Victory at Trafalgar.

- Were your travels productive?

- Exceeding refreshing, old Daddy.

Yeah, Amsterdam.

Had a gander at the Rembrandt.

Militia Company, Antwerp Cathedral.

Rubens, the triptych.

Flanders, still as flat as a witch's tit.

Thank you, Hannah.

You sly girl.

Did you find tolerable diggings?

Stinking flea pit at Dieppe,

then moved to the harbour.

Westerly aspect, fine sunset.

Oh, Daddy,

I'm in need of an eight-by-six.

I have a seven by five-and-a-half

ready sized and primed.

- That should suit.

- Right you be.

More's to the point,

how you been faring?

In good health, thank the Lord.

- Bronchioles still rattling?

- No.

- He was wheezing last week.

- Shh-sh-sh.

October ain't quite come

round the corner yet, has it?

I've been over to Grande's.

Oh.

Ultramarine's gone up

to a guinea a bladder.

Gawd's truth!

That brigand still robbing us, is he?

- You're in need of a shave.

- Yeah, well, be that as it may, Daddy.

Presently I'm gonna throw myself

into the arms of Morpheus.

No!

I took a trip down west, Exeter, last week.

Oh.

- How fares the old uncle?

- Bearing up, considering.

- Considering what?

- Well, his age, living alone.

Oh.

- Here's the thing.

- Hm?

He wants to arrange a family gathering.

Will you take some more cheek?

Yeah, cast us another morsel.

Missing your button, Mr Billy.

Oh.

Be so kind as to enter the vestibule.

The darkness is to a purpose.

I shall return by and by.

Madam.

Gentlemen.

Behold.

Three steps down.

Pray, view at your leisure.

- Good day to you, Hannah.

- Good day to you, Aunt Sarah.

- And how are you faring?

- Very well, thank you.

- Are you coming in?

- I most certainly am. Is he at home?

- He is. I'll tell him you're here.

- I can inform him myself, thank you kindly.

- Good day to you, sir.

- And a very good day to you, Mrs D.

And how do we find you

on this fair morning?

Exceedingly preoccupied, madam.

'Twas ever thus.

You've always been preoccupied.

You're too preoccupied

for your own good, sir.

Nothing comes from nothing, madam.

And we have had nothing from you, sir.

Evelina, Georgiana,

come and greet your father.

Good day, Father.

May I present my child to you?

- Your granddaughter.

- Rosalie Adelaide.

Your only surviving grandchild.

Georgiana, cease your dithering!

May I suggest, Mrs D,

with the utmost respect,

that you withdraw

to the drawing room?

Good day to you, Mrs Danby.

Would you care to step this way?

Good day to you, Mr Turner.

And will you be gracing us

with your presence

in the withdrawing room, sir?

I sincerely hope you will.

And, pray, do not keep us waiting.

We have our own lives to lead.

Come along, daughters.

The vapours in this room

are most noxious to a child's lungs.

Ladies, pray, sit yourselves.

Sarah, if you please.

I shall be seated, William,

when it suits me and not before.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes