Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #3

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- You're drunk, Alice.

You're doing that thing

where you're whispering,

but you're really yelling.

Because I'm upset with you.

Oh, what the hell?

I don't understand why you just

started yelling at me for no reason.

- What the hell is going on here?

- Your little buddy is sh*t-faced.

Straight up.

Her fianc just left her at the altar.

She's been going through a hard time.

- Are you guys talking about me?

- No, baby girl.

You know how many times

I have come in here...

and she is drunk off her f***ing ass,

dancing on the tables?

Only when Rihanna comes on,

because it's my jam.

I am a strong independent woman.

And I will get on a table

and shake my sh*t to RiRi.

Because it's my right. America!

Feminism!

You just push your tits up

and say feminism?

Yeah. Read a Twitter.

# 2016. Women can do sh*t now.

Don't do that!

Who put her jam on?

Queen RiRi, forever!

I'm really sorry that I got us fired.

I'm just sort of surprised

it didn't happen sooner...

- but I'm still really sorry.

- Hey!

Alice, you do not apologize

right now, okay?

You didn't do one thing wrong.

- Okay.

- People need to get in line with you.

Right. You're right.

Alice, why are you watching

your wedding video?

And Alice... do you take Luke?

I do.

Because it's therapeutic.

The more I watch it, the less I feel.

And do you, Luke, take Alice?

I do...

not.

Oh, man. F*** you, Luke.

Oh, f*** that guy.

F*** him right in his dick.

No!

Because now I'm picturing his dick

getting f***ed by another dick.

And it makes me want to protect it.

Oh, my God, girl! Damn!

You're better than this. Come on!

We're T and A!

Where's the Alice who made

vodka pot brownies with me...

for the junior high science fair?

Or gave us water balloon tits and we won

that wet T-shirt contest in Mexico?

Oh, yeah, they were so nice.

I know, dude. We need that sh*t.

I'm tired of living like this.

We need an adventure.

We've got a great little package

we're selling here, man.

A week in a tropical paradise...

with two fun-loving,

yet surprisingly well-read bros?

Yeah.

I read most of the Goosebumps series,

and so did you.

Yeah.

Where do I sign up?

Dude, focus.

- Okay.

- This is for Jeanie.

So to find the perfect fun, but nice girls,

we're gonna have to meet a lot of them.

The Internet!

That's a good idea.

Match.com, Tinder...

Grindr, OkCupid.

Craigslist!

Craigslist?

Craigslist, you think,

that's where you go to meet nice girls?

Dave?

We met this couch on Craigslist.

And you wuv this couch, don't you?

I do love that couch.

I'm gonna unlock the swag on this b*tch.

All right.

Here you go. Just take a little sip.

Take a little nip-a-roo.

Boom!

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