Mark and Russell's Wild Ride Page #3

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because of that "suspicious

mole." Hope he's okay.

A cab costs $137 one way.

I guess we could call

Booger Tom's mom.

You think that car

has boogers in it?

Their everything

has boogers in it.

Unless you know

a licensed driver

who's willing to ride with

us halfway across the state,

no questions asked,

I just don't know.

Let go of the walker, Grandpa.

I'll put it in the trunk.

I'm not goin' in the trunk.

No one said you were, Grandpa.

We love you.

There.

Now have some fauxgurt.

He loves those

Happy Scratchers.

Never wins, but he loves 'em.

So are we even sure

this is legal?

Issued by the state

of North Dakota in 1949,

but technically, still valid.

As long as you've

got your learner's permit,

he's the perfect chaperone.

Legal and forgetful.

Plus we can use his senior

citizen discount at rest stops.

I like where your head's at.

You don't get bumped up

a grade for nothing.

Here you go.

( Loudly )

We'll be back in 30 minutes.

Is that when the movie starts?

Sure.

We may have to stop at

the movies on the way back home.

This is the one, Russell.

Magic number six.

I may not say it enough, buddy,

but you are

a terrific sidekick.

Funny. I always thought

of you as the sidekick.

Hmm. I'm the one on the quest.

Or are you a side quest

to my much grander quest

whose true meaning

has yet to reveal itself?

Sounds like something

a sidekick would say.

Said the sidekick.

( Cell phone beeps )

It's Ashley.

It's our first text.

She wants to know if

I can also take.

- Harper Blanc to the pool party.

- Harper Blanc.

Harper Blanc who smells

like peaches Harper Blanc?

That's the one.

I'm texting no.

No!

Don't you realize, one

popular girl begets another?

You're trending, Mark.

You're trending.

Yeah? But if I choke this time,

the only thing trending

will be my humiliation.

I hate to be a nudge,

but I think you just

leap-frogged us.

I think you're mistaken.

I really hate to invoke

the no-cutsies rule...

And I'd hate to invoke

the four witnesses behind you

to reach down your throat

and pull your underwear

out your mouth.

Say hello to the Brothers Nico.

Hey, meatheads,

back off my friend.

Or maybe you're not

attached to your teeth.

Metaphorically.

I know your teeth are physically

rooted in your gums...

You know what?

You get my point.

You got a big mouth, inchworm.

Yeah? Well, you got

one big eyebrow.

Now apologize

to my scared friend.

Don't play the hero, tiny.

Yeah, don't play

the hero, tiny.

( Sound of whip cracking )

See, even they know

you're the sidekick.

Sorry. Were you the one just

standing up to the villain?

Seriously?

At the DMV?

Let's not be those people.

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