Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #2

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of over 20 years.

I love you all far more deeply

than the day we first met,

and the fact that we all still have

the free will to abandon each other

at any given moment...

makes it all the more compelling.

I'm back, I came back!

But I don't,

it's my special,

but I don't want to come back,

but I'm coming back!

No, okay, okay.

No, no! No!

But what if I didn't come back?

But I did, I did.

That's full body peek-a-boo.

Not a lot of comics who are doing that.

[audience laughing]

Oh!

[chatters]

You're right.

Um...

[blows raspberry]

[chatters]

I know.

I'm 46 years-old.

Of course I've fallen in love

many times before.

It was always over 100% my fault,

uh, that it didn't work out,

'cause you know how it is.

You fall in love with someone.

You tell them, uh,

that you love them,

and then you share with them

what you think

is the single most horrifying

fact about yourself.

They're gonna think it's something else.

But...

For example, I would tell you,

I love you so much.

Heads up:

mental illness runs in my family.

If ever I start talking too fast

about wanting to get in touch

with the pope

or some other ethical authority,

you're gonna wanna put me in a purple van,

drive me to doggy day care 'cause

I need to be boarded for the weekend.

Some guys said,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa."

Fair enough.

And some guys were like,

"Oh, okay."

And I rejected them.

They shared with me their deepest secret,

and one fantastic

human being to share with me.

Babe, I love you,

and... I think you should know,

my dad's in the mafia.

I'm not, but I do have a million

in cash in case something goes down.

He uses my Social Security number.

He will probably try to use yours,

but it'll never be a problem."

What I said was, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

What I could have said was,

"I work in the entertainment industry.

I am awash in filthy money!"

The Disney Channel's a front

for Thai child prostitution.

That's an open secret.

I've...

I've paid in cash most nights

with a gun on the table.

I would be honored

if your father used my Social,

and at certain points in my life,

it would have only raised my credit score.

[laughing]

I had another, uh,

handsome individual

share with me,

"Babe, a couple years back,

I had a two-year,

meth-fueled gay relationship,

but then I got into Weight Watchers,

and I gained back my confidence."

What I said, very judgmentally, was...

"Whoa, whoa, whoa."

What I could have said was,

"That sounds like fun!"

Life is f***ing hard.

I hope you make up for it in points.

And...

if you want to talk about

bizarre sexual behavior,

I for a period of 15 years

had a one night stand

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