Love Actually Page #2

for her birthday on Friday.

What do you think?

I just feel we've been bad sons this year.

Okay.

Sounds fine.

A bit, you know, boring, but fine.

Hurry up, big boy.

I'm naked and I want you at least twice

beforeJamie gets home.

[Whimpers]

[Girl]

I am so happy to see you guys.

Delicious delicacy?

Uh, no, thanks.

Taste explosion?

Food?

No, thanks.

Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?

Looks like a dead baby's finger.

Eew.

Oh, yeah, tastes like it too.

I'm Colin, by the way.

I'm Nancy.

Wicked.

And what do you do, Nancy?

I'm a cook.

Ever do weddings?

Yes, I do.

They should have asked you

to do this one.

They did.

God, I wish you hadn't

have turned it down.

I didn't.

[Nervous Laugh]

Right.

I have just worked out

why I can never find true love.

Why's that?

English girls.

They're stuck up, you see.

And I am primarily attractive to girls

who are, you know, cooler,

game for a laugh.

Like American girls.

So I should just go to America.

I would get a girlfriend there instantly.

What do you think?

I think it's crap, Colin.

No, that's where you're wrong.

American girls would seriously dig me

with my cute British accent.

- You don't have a cute British accent.

- Yes, I do!

I'm going to America.

Colin.

You're a lonely, ugly arsehole

and you must accept it.

Never. I am Colin, God of Sex.

I'm just on the wrong continent,

that's all.

A bit of quiet while

we finish the lighting, guys.

I tell you, I thought I was

never gonna make it here today.

The traffic was just...

Oh, unbelievable.

Judy, um, could you take

the top off this time?

Lighting and camera need to know

when we're actually gonna see

the, um, nipples and when we're not.

Yes, okay. Right.

Well, at least

it's nice and warm in here.

It's not always the case, is it?

I was standing in

for Brad Pitt once on, you know,

Seven Years In Tibet.

Yes, yeah.

Bloody freezing, right...

Yeah, sorry, guys. Time's pretty tight

and we have to get the actors in.

Fine.

I promise I won't look.

[Man Over P.A.] Right, let's have

another look at that then, please.

Okay.

And Jerry says if you could just

put your hands on her breasts.

Oh, right, okay, yeah.

Is that all right?

Yes. Yeah, fine.

I'll warm 'em up.

Right.

And massage them, please.

Right.

It's Junction 13

that's just murder, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Total gridlock this morning.

Jo and I had a lot of time

to prepare for this moment.

Some of her, uh, requests,

uh, for instance,

that I should bring Claudia Schiffer

as my date to the funeral...

I was confident

she expected me to ignore.

But others she was

pretty damn clear about.

When she first mentioned

what's about to happen,

I said, "Over my dead body."

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