Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #4

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Then I come out of the elevator

and there's always a guy on

the elevator who's nice.

And I hate it.

I get really upset when people

say nice things to me.

That's not a good impulse.

I get in the elevator and there's

always this one guy who just--

He sticks his face right in the

front of his f***ing head.

"Hi!" He just floats it out

there like a big balloon.

"Hey, how's it going?"

I get upset.

I get cagey.

I get this weird impulse that

I want to come on his face.

I don't know why that's the thing,

but that's what I think about.

I wish I could just secrete come

without the sexual workup,

like as a defense,

like a squid or a skunk.

Not sexually. I mean agressively.

"Hi!"

[spurt]

"Jesus, man."

"You just came in my eye."

I just want to go downstairs.

I don't want to talk.

Alright, this is going a little off the

rails. I don't remember what I was

trying to say.

I'd like to be a better person.

I would.

I'd like to be a better person.

And I think I'm getting

worse as a person.

Because as you get older

you start finding out--

Let me give you an example.

I rented a car a couple weeks

ago, in Los Angeles

I had the car for a few days

and then when I went home I had

to drop the car at the rental place.

You gotta go to the rental place

that's off the airport,

give them the car, give them

your thing with the mileage.

You gotta get on a bus and then

go to your terminal and check in.

I was late and I was worried

about missing my flight.

So I knew I had no time

to do any of that.

So I just

--I never did this before--

I just drove my car

right to the terminal

and just left it there.

Then I got on the plane.

Once I got on the plane and

had a moment I called

Hertz and I said,

Hey, listen, your car is sitting

out in front of terminal four

and the keys are in it.

So, that's where it is."

And the guy's like,

"You can't do that."

"You have to return it to

the location and then get--"

Well, I didn't do that already,

and now I'm leaving California.

So if you want your car you need

to go to that place where it is.

And he was like,

"Awww, Jesus man."

"Well, alright. We'll get it."

And he-- That was the end of it.

And I realized I could

do this every time,

every time I rented a car.

Because of course they want

you to do all that sh*t.

But if you don't they

still want the car back.

They're going to send a dude.

You could drive a car until

you don't want it.

Just get out of it while it's

moving and just walk away.

No, I don't feel like being

in that car any longer.

Just call Hertz.

Hi, your car is drifting into the

intersection of 28th and Broadway,

if you're interested.

It's now your problem.

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