Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #2

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piss-drinkin' toilet!

Dumb b*tch, toilet!

You ain't intelligent.

You ain't even been outside.

You sit there waiting for me

to sh*t in your face.

Got piss on your lips.

You ain't even special.

I pissed in three toilets today.

You ain't sh*t.

That's terrible.

That's awful.

But that's how my dad

treated his toilet,

so that's where I learned it.

It's a shame.

So that's the noise

I make when I pee.

And, uh, some of you

might be wondering-

None of you are wondering...

...what noise do I make

when I come.

So this is the noise

I make when I come.

I just go...

It is done!

It's a whole thing with clouds

and lightning and crows.

The circle is complete!

It's kind of intense.

And there's a little witch

with white eyes going,

"And a child will be born!"

I don't know.

One time I was

having sex with a woman,

it was our first time

having sex.

Also turned out to be

our last time, but I wasn't-

Didn't know that at the-

Anyway, I was getting-

I was gonna come soon,

so I felt like talking

about it, and...

But I didn't know her very well.

So it came out weird,

I said, "Oh, I'm cooming."

She's like, "What did you say?"

'Cause I was back there.

That's why.

That's why

she had to go like this.

"What'd you say?

What was that back there, chief?

What was that?"

'Cause I'm always back there.

That's a-that's a weird thing

to brag about.

I'm always behind her.

Every time.

So they don't see me crying.

It's weird having sex

with a woman from behind

'cause you don't know

what's going on the whole time

and you get kinda paranoid.

The whole time,

she might be like...

I was on the subway in New York.

This isn't another sex story.

This is a traveling story.

Are you ready?

So I'm on the subway

and I'm standing there-

I wasn't holding anything,

I just like to stand like this.

I'm standing there.

I walk around the city

like this.

Hi.

So I'm standing there and

from behind me over here,

I hear this. I hear...

And I was like, whew, okay.

It's a crazy person.

I mean, it's not a big surprise

in New York.

Then I heard it again.

I was like,

all right, I wanna see,

I wanna see the crazy person.

I just wanna take a look.

So I look over and

it's not what I expected.

It wasn't a big homeless guy

with two sets of headphones

that don't work

or anything like that.

It was a...

A young woman,

she looked like she was about 21

and she's standing there,

she's very, kinda nice-

Properly dressed.

She was very, like,

Michigan-y or something.

Very suburban-y, Michigan-y

kinda thing.

And she's standing there

with her ponytail,

and then all of a sudden,

she starts going like this,

she goes...

La-la la-la-la la-la!"

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