Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #2

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That happens now.

That's no good for single.

You got to be optimistic

To be single.

Stupid.

You have to be stupid.

That's what optimistic means,

You know?

It means stupid.

An optimist

Is somebody who goes,

"Hey, maybe something

Nice will happen."

Why the f*** would anything nice

Ever happen?

What are you, stupid?

But that's the attitude

You have to be to be single.

You have to look at somebody

And go, "ooh, maybe..."

I don't look at it that way,

Even when i see somebody

I'm attracted to.

I was at a gym the other day.

Why? Why?

I'm at a gym.

I'm just wearing shorts.

That's all i'm doing there.

Just standing there.

And i look over,

And there's a girl on the--

You know, with a ponytail,

And she's on this thing--

And i'm looking at her,

And i'm like,

"Oh, she's awesome.

Sh*t."

But then i start thinking,

Wait a minute.

I'm single. I'm on the market.

I have value.

I could say something

To her.

I could just walk up

And say something.

And i'm trying to think--

"What am i gonna say?"

What does--what do i look like

To somebody like that?

And then i realize

It's been way too long.

I've just been standing there,

Staring at her.

[Grunts]

I want her!

I have no identity

In the single world.

I can't--i look at them,

I don't know what they're doing.

I--i tried just jerking off

Ito Girls Gone Wild

The other day.

Just to re-enter

The community that way.

Just to feel part of it.

And i bought it.

Not the commercial

On Comedy Central.

I paid money like a grown-up.

I put my credit card down

And waited for it

To come to my house.

I'm an adult.

Iso i'm trying to jerk off

To Girls Gone Wild.

I can't do it,

'Cause i'm a father.

I'm too old.

I'm just getting mad

At everybody in the video.

I'm like, "you f***ing

Irresponsible b*tches.

Go back to school.

What are you doing down there?"

"There's two wars

And a depression.

"Put your--get the oil

off your tits and study,

For f***'s sake."

I just don't look at a woman

As a pair of tits anymore,

And i wish i did,

'Cause i could get laid easier,

'Cause that's what it takes.

Just to go--

[Grunting]

But i can't now.

Like, i went to a club.

I went to a club,

You know, like, a...

[Imitates thumping club music]

Like, a club.

And i'm standing there

Looking at all the people,

And there's the women--

The hot chicks.

The hot girl at the bar.

You know when you see them,

That's just--she's a hot girl

At the bar.

She's got the--

Got the shirt and the skirt,

And the boots.

Those three lines.

It's, like, some

Perfect ratio that they hit

With those three lines,

And you--

And they're all

Standing there like that.

And i used to look

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