Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer Page #2

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"We took a Big Macand put it in a wrap."

[deep voice]"You're all going to hell."

"You want one?"

"Yeah."

McDonald's.they're good.

Pizza Hut.Eh, they're all right.

I hadthat Chicago Pizza.

You ever been to Chicagoand had the deep-dish pizza?

Jesus.

There's still a piece of thatin my colon somewhere.

If you get to a certain age,you can't digest that anymore.

It's like a tennis shoein a dryer.

Clunk, clunk, clunk.

Sometimes I'll just be walkingand go, "Oof, Chicago."

[cheers and applause]

I love Cold Stone.Do you have that?

That's good,isn't it?

So many choices though.

"Would you like a cupor a cone?"

"Crush a cone up,and put it in the cup."

"What size do you want?"

"Grand Canyon."

"You want Butterfingerin there?"

"Yeah, and don't forgethis sister, Baby Ruth."

"You want us to crusha brownie in here?"

"Do it!"

"That'll be $85."

"I'll take it!

Could I geta shoulder strap?"

"How did you hurt your arm?"

"Ice cream."

I try to order healthy.do you ever try that?

There's always, like,one or two things on there.

There's always salmonon there.

"Could I get the salmonon a plank?

Could I get the blindfoldwith that?"

Usually end up orderingthe same thing.

"Could I getthe grilled chicken,

some steamed broccoli,please?"

"You wanted somethingon that broccoli?"

"Steam."

"You want some cheddaron there?"

[meekly]"Yeah.

Could you steam itthough?"

"Could I geta Caesar salad?"

"You want chickenor shrimp?"

"Brownie."

[laughs]

"Louie, what is thatyou're eating?"

"Caesar salad."

"Is that a brownie on there,Louie?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how is it?"

"Well, the brownie's good.

I don't think I'd orderthe salad again."

I knowI should eat the fish,

but I just--I always want to say,

"Do you have anythingless fishy?

You got any porkthat swims?"

[chuckles]

The only timeI want to eat salmon

is duringthose nature shows

where the bearis in the stream and--

[imitates gobbling]

Whenever I see that,I think,

"I should give salmonanother try."

I'm on a food plan now...

You know, where they give youthe whole week.

I'm upto next Wednesday.

You can't give a person my sizethe whole week's worth.

Think about it.

That's likea drug addict.

"Here's your drugsfor the week."

"Thank you.

I love you."

People always want meto smoke pot for some reason

after the show,

and I always tell themthe same thing,

"Listen, I don't needanother reason to be hungry."

I do not.

My friends smoke pot,I get the munchies.

I can't even have foodin the house.

I don't have any foodin the house.

'Cause if I have food inthe house and I'm laying in bed,

I go, "I bet that Cap'n Crunchis lonely in the cupboard."

I do have foodin the house.

I have six rice cakes

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