Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #3

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET:

Well if you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind . . .

The phone is slammed down.

SHOT OF HATCHET:

SOAP:

(voice-over)

When the old bastard is not playing cards he's chasing a thousand debts

that ill-fated individuals owe for an array of reasons.

BACON:

(voice-over)

Sex and sleaze and antique shotguns are all deep and dear in Harry's

stone cold heart.

Cut from completed film.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET:

What's this EDDY like, then?

The camera spins round to reveal a massive monster of a man sitting

opposite Hatchet. Meet Barry the Baptist.

FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

EDDY:

(voice-over)

Hatchet has a colleague, a monster of a man: Barry the Baptist.

BACON:

(voice-over)

The Baptist got his name from drowning people for Hatchet.

TOM:

(voice-over)

But he needs him, because he is good at making sure debts get settled

and jobs get done.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

BARRY:

EDDY been shaking the knees of a lot of good players. The boy has a

rare ability, he seems to make cards transparent, got bluffing dow . .

.

HATCHET:

(interrupts)

All right, all right, so we can say he is good.

BARRY:

Better than good, he is a f***ing liability.

HATCHET:

Where did he get a hundred grand?

20

BARRY:

He has got some adhesive mates, they have tossed up between them.

HATCHET:

And JD is his dad, and owns the whole property?

BARRY:

No mortgage, no debts; lock, stock, the sodding lot . . . don't worry,

I got it under control.

HATCHET:

Good, you can get this under control now.

A glossy Christie's brochure displaying a pair of impressive antique

hammer-lock shotguns is shoved in Barry's face.

It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money, and these little

beauties are up for auction, but I am not paying quarter of a million

quid for 'em, if you know what I mean Barry. One of my associates has

given me an address and the location of these lovelies. Make sure we

get everything from inside the gun cabinet. I don't want to know who

you use, as long as they are not complete muppets; and don't tell them

what they're worth.

Changing the subject.

'Ere! Hold on, what do you think of these? We are selling hundreds.

Holds up one of the spanking paddles.

BARRY:

Er, very nice Harry. What's it for?

HATCHET:

Don't play innocent with me Bazza; spanking!

The paddle is brought down hard on the desk: slap.

INT. TORTURE ROOM - DAY

Meet the Dog. Dog is horrible. He is large and intimidating.

Administering pain is Dog's forte. He is also the Guy we cut from the

last scene `slap' to the teeing of a golf ball. Wallop. Dog pulls a

sadistic and alarmingly pleasurable face.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes