Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #3

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[Coughing, groaning]

[Flatulence, coughs]

Can't we take a little rest?

I'm getting a stitch.

We've only been walking

for three minutes.

Yeah, but you're not walking.

You're virtually running.

It's like you're in a mood with me.

- I can't imagine why. Can you?

- You're getting a real attitude.

- Oh, f*** off.

- No, you f*** off.

I've dragged my arse

to some leafy sh*t-hole

I can't even pronounce, for you,

and look how ungrateful you're being.

Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone

whilst Judy was trying to make up.

What? Like the last seven times?

You're a mental case holding out

for that serial dumper

to have you back for the... drum roll,

please... eighth f***ing time.

That's why we're here

rather than somewhere

it might be remotely possible

to engage a solitary woman

in so much as a polite conversation.

- There might be girls.

- Will there? Balls.

- [Door shuts]

- [Women laughing]

[ Wolfmother:
Woman]

Woman

You know you

Woman

You got to be a

Woman

I've got the feeling of love

When you're talking to me

You see right through me

I've got the feeling of love

She's a woman, you know what I mean

You better listen, listen to me

She's gonna set you free

Oh, oh, yeah

- What are the chances?

- [Women laughing]

Come on, Jim.

They came from there.

- Yeah. So?

- "So"?

Are you some kind of eunuch

or something?

Not bad enough that woman's robbed you

of brains, but testicles and all.

I'm sorry.

I'm claiming your testicles back.

No... Not that I literally

want your test...

That's just sick. Look.

They're just the beginning.

These small, rural places

are renowned for breeding

the crme de la crme of the

female form. It's the fresh air.

They go a bundle for city boys like

you and me. Impressive we are, mate.

I guarantee this place will be

wall to wall with rosy-cheeked

English country maidens,

like that lot, but even dirtier.

[Objects clatter]

- [Sheep bleats]

- [Up-tempo music plays]

It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.

Don't sweat it.

The womenfolk are all off

braiding their hair

in some kind of naked fertility

ceremony or something.

That village green will be full

of heaving tits by sundown.

- These guys look weird.

- [Whispering] Just relax.

They're just blokes, like you and I.

They like a beer,

enjoy a scented candle.

They're my kind of people.

I can relate. Stick with me.

Good morrow.

Two flagons of ale, please, sir.

There you go.

Compliments of the house, lads.

Thank you.

[Sheep bleats]

Keep it together, mate.

Keep it together.

I'm just a bit worried

I'm going to get raped.

So how many more, Tom?

How many more?

Don't you be all high and mighty

with me, vicar.

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