Laid in America

Synopsis: Two foreign exchange high-school students are kidnapped during their quest to get laid on their last night in America and it will be the best night of their life.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Sam Milman, Peter Vass
Production: Universal Pictures
85 min

You have to grab these little turds

and move them around so they match,

and it's really f***ing difficult.

No. No, no. What's happening? Move.

It's frozen!


Stupid sh*t of a game!

F***ing stupid sh*t of a f***ing game.

So, I hope you guys enjoyed

your stay in the States.

Did you get a chance to do some fun things?

Like going to Disneyland?

Yeah, we went.

Um, it was great.

A lot of kids, though.

And fat people.

Well, this is America, you know.

Did you go to any baseball games?

I didn't really know what was going on.

So I just cheered

when everyone else cheered.

So many fat people.

Yeah, but what about the ladies?

Did you get a chance

to experience any American girls?

No girls? Not even fat girls?


I haven't had sex with one girl

since I've been here,

and I just know all my friends

are gonna just call me a "wankstain virgin"

when I get back.

You're a virgin, too, aren't you, Jack?

I don't think we need to talk about that.

So you're telling me that

we have two foreign boys

who are both virgins?

Oh, I shouldn't laugh because,

you know, it wasn't easy

for me either with the girls.

When I came from India,

I would only find work

as a street performer

on Hollywood Boulevard.

I would play Wolverine,

Michael Jackson, Frog Boy.

You know, anything to make a few bucks

until I got my big break

and I became a high school principal.

Then, poof, all hell broke loose.

I couldn't keep the girls away, like flies.

I said, "Back off, b*tches.

"Where were you

when I was Michael Jackson?"

Wait, how did anyone think

you were Michael Jackson?

And what's Frog Boy?

Wouldn't you like to know.

What I'm trying to say is that

if you can't get laid in America,

you can't get laid anywhere.

And if you're lucky like me,

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Laid in America" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 18 May 2021. <>.

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