Synopsis: A young man living a sheltered life develops a crush on a stripper and joins her Alcoholics Anonymous group just so he can be in the same room with her.
Genre: Comedy, Drama
90 min


[boy] There are really only two

things you need to know about me.

First, I am a son

of the low country,

a child of the south.

I'm polite, courteous,


I open doors,

I respect my elders,

I "Yes, sir" and "No, ma'am"

all the livelong day.

That's a long-billed curlew,

just in case you're curious.

The second thing is,

I have a very weird heart.

And I don't mean that in a

metaphorical English major sense.

I mean physically.

I have a condition.

Paroxysmal Atrial Tachycardia,


I have a racing heart which just

gallops up to 200 beats a minute

whenever it feels like it.

The doctors think my P.A.T.

might be caused by stress.

Which is something doctors

say when they're stumped.

So that's why I'm a walker of dawn

beaches and a watcher of birds,

to keep as far away

from this exhausted and silly

and heartbreaking world

as possible,

to stay calm, very calm,

and barely alive.

The first time I got it, the P.A.T.,

I mean, was in front of my house.

Remember when you were a little kid and

you ran for the sheer joy of running

and you never,

ever got tired?

[dog barking]

[car horn honks]

- [brakes squeal]

- [thudding]

[dog yelping]

That was my last morning

of forever running.


[heart beating]

[heart beating faster]

Please don't die.


[heart beating more slowly]

I waited to die too,

and in waiting, I converted,

a quasi-medical term that means

my heartbeat returned to normal.

My second episode

happened a year later.

[man] Essentially, what all

great religions teach us

is transformation

of one's self.

To lie down

on summer grass...

[boy] That's my father giving one of

his famous home Saturday seminars

in Comparative Religions.

He's a professor at Emery.

He's brilliant.

...and lie. Wake up!



- Well, you can imagine.

- [Santa grumbles]


The Devil is in the attic!

Look, son,

you didn't see Satan.

You were simply

overwhelmed with guilt

about peeking into places

you really shouldn't,

and finding magazines that I should

feel guilty about but don't.

And hopefully, you'll understand

later, when you're married

and lassitude has lassoed the galloping

priapic pony of your sexuality.

- Pony? What pony? I'm getting a pony?

- No.

There's no pony. Jesus.

Then I don't think...

What are you talking about?

I'll make it simple, okay?

There is no Devil.

But there's no Santa either.

That's the trade off, Tay-Tay.

Santa and Satan

are just symbols for...

[Tay-Tay] My father's book,

The History of OM,

is about the redemptive power

of prayer and meditation.

I tried reading it last summer.

I couldn't.

If a cartoon in a titty

magazine just about killed me,

a normal life was totally

out of the question.

College, forget it.

Sex, drugs and rock and roll,

a death sentence.

And love...

[woman] Hey.


Are you here by yourself?

Do you have a car?

Did you drive here? Do you have,

like, a phone or something?

I need to call a cab

or Lyft, or whatever.



You okay?


I said are you...

No, not re... not really.

[woman] Well, you don't

look so hot.

[Tay-Tay] I have a kind of...


[heart beating]

You're sweating a lot,

do you know that?

I'm having

kind of a hard time.

Having a hard time what?

Just breathing, actually.

Oh, shit.

[heart beating faster]


- Name, please.

- Krystal Bryant.

- No, I meant him.

- Oh, I have no idea.

Look, man, I don't even

know him, okay?

He was just sitting

on the beach, on his ass,

and all of a sudden,

kid has a heart attack.

See if we have anything

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Will Aldis


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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Krystal" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 14 Jul 2020. <>.

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