Kiss Me, Stupid Page #2

That's it... the title

of the song.

What song?

The one you played me yesterday.

Oh, that one.

I got the whole lyric

worked out.

You want to hear it?

Not now, Barney.

I got other things on my mind.

Oh, come on. Come on.

I'm not in the mood.

It's a dilly, I'll tell you.

Give me a pickup.

I'm a poached egg

Without a piece of toast

Yorkshire pudding

Without a beef to roast

I'm a haunted house

That hasn't got a ghost

When I'm without you

Brilliant?

I'm a mousetrap

Without a piece of cheese

I'm Vienna

Without the Viennese

I'm da Vinci

Without the Mona Lis

When I'm...

Mona Lis?

That's what makes it...

the irregularity...

that unexpected little twist.

Keep playing.

It's ridiculous.

What do you mean ridiculous?

I mean this whole

songwriting business.

What are we knocking

ourselves out for?

We must have written

fifty songs by now.

Sixty-two.

And what's happened? Nothing.

We write them. I copy them.

We send them out to

all the publishers...

and the record companies

and the singers...

Tony Bennett,

Barbra Streisand...

Nat "King" Cole,

the Four Freshmen.

And do we ever hear

from any of them?

No! They just steal

the stamps...

from the return

self-addressed envelopes.

Are we gonna

go through that again?

Irving Berlin wrote

a hundred songs...

before he hit it with

"Alexander's Ragtime Band."

And what about George Gershwin

and Richard Rodgers?

But they were professionals...

and we're amateurs buried here

in Climax, Nevada.

Where do you think

Cole Porter came from?

Peru, Indiana.

Hank Mancini?

Aliquippa, Pennsylvania.

Johnny Mercer?

Savannah, Georgia.

And he only won

four Academy Awards.

So play!

I'm Las Vegas

Without a slot machine

I'm a gypsy

Without a tambourine

I'm Napoleon

Without a Josephine

When I'm without you

Gets better

all the time, huh?

I'm a doctor

Without a single pill

I'm a lawyer

Who never drew a will

I'm a dentist

Without a tooth to fill

When I'm...

Tender gums.

That's a hell of a thing

to say to a married woman.

Oh, what are you talking about?

It's that new dentist.

I can't keep her

away from the place.

She's there right now,

in the chair.

He's tilting her

all the way back.

He's giving her laughing gas.

She's laughing.

He's laughing, too!

They're both laughing...

at me!

Relax, will you, Orville?

You'll drive yourself crazy.

Dr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake.

Dr. Sheldrake. Dr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake.

Did you hear the one

about the nearsighted turtle...

who fell in love with a helmet?

Then there's the one

about the nearsighted snake...

who proposed

to a piece of rope!

Hello?

This is Dr. Sheldrake.

I told you. Listen to them.

I know what

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