Khali the Killer

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1

Grandma always said

I was a good kid.

She likes to tell the

story about me.

She calls it the paper jar story.

When I was 8 years old I spent

hours in my backyard in East LA.

Catching fireflies in a paper jar.

Kept the jar in my bedroom,

it lit up the wall.

It was beautiful.

But I felt sorry for the fireflies.

F..k you!

I'd poke holes in the top of the

jar but I knew that wasn't enough.

Fireflies would be dead in the

morning if I didn't do something.

So I went over and unscrewed

the jar and let them loose.

Dozens of little fireflies filled

out little house.

Grandma found out,

she wasn't mad.

She said I had something

that was very special.

She prayed I'd never lose it.

My tender heart.

Chainsaw? Fool why you using a

chainsaw?

I mean that's the way they want it.

They want the head of the head guy.

The head of the head guy?

Seven prime time gangster

motherf..s and a decapitation...

They better be paying

you big time for this.

I'm getting the f..k out of

this business.

Trade this Hyundai in for a

Tesla or some s..t.

-Thought you had a Honda.

-Hyundai motherf..r, Hyundai.

What you gonna do if you ain't a

hit man? You gonna miss it.

Be a chef.

You don't know how to f..g cook.

I know how to cook enough.

What are you trying to be? F..g

chef Gordon Ramsey? Chef Khali.

I'm here, papi.

What's good homie?

What you looking at?

I see what you're trying

to do here.

You're trying to win Cori back.

I ain't trying to win nobody back.

Not Cori.

If you a cook, you need to bake

me a pie, motherf..r.

Or some pastries. Some s..t.

-Buenos dias, Chiquillo!

-Chiquillo?

You haven't called me that

since I was a kid.

Bueno. What you think I forgot?

I remember you as a little baby

climbing over your crib.

And hanging on the bars

like a little monkey.

I made you some coffee.

Thank you. Smells good.

Have your been taking

your medicine?

I know what you want to do.

You want to put me in one of those

Senior places.

I'm not going in there

-I was just asking

Listen...

That place smells

and reeks of piss.

You can take me out on

the street and shoot me!

-Wait, wait, wait

-I'm not going there!

I'm not taking you to no

Senior Care Living. Okay?

If I was to take you any place...

...it would be like

that fancy place up in Malibu.

Baby you can't afford it.

Don't you worry about it alright.

I'm gonna take care of you.

Do that.

On my way home I played it safe.

Took the white bread express.

Avoiding cops and sticking

to the whitest neighborhoods...

...in Los Angeles county.

No thank you. I'm good.

No, I'm good man.

F..g white boys act like

they own the s..t man.

I'm cool!

Would you like to make a donation

to the Westside children fund?

-No I'm cool.

-Come on, man.

What you pay for a cup of coffee

can feed a hungry child for life.

That's enough now.

Play time's over.

What don't you get the f..k

up out of here.

This is just my luck.

After avoiding pimps

...prostitutes and gang bangers

...I get jacked by

Justin f..g Beiber.

Okay.

I'm gonna get out of the car okay?

Go get him. Go tell him stop.

Do something.

Just chill alright?

I'm gonna get up out of the car.

-You Tyler put it down.

-Tyler are you insane?

Put the gun away!

You're gonna get us all in trouble.

-Yo, Tyler. put it down.

-Put the gun away!

Get out of the car.

-I'm going to give you my wallet.

-Tyler stop!

-Everybody in the car!

-Is he okay?

Everybody in the car now!

Tyler why are we...

Let's go!

Go!

Where are we at?

Doctor John didn't pick up.

So, I had to find a Plan B.

Hi, I'm George.

This is my daughter's room.

Her name's Cali. Hey!

It's like yours.

My name's Khali. It's Nahuatl.

George here is a nurse.

I was a medic in Iraq.

But now, I work at L.A. County...

You're lucky.

That was almost your heart.

-Who the f..k is this?

-I'm Isaac.

Or Zeke. People call me Zeke.

-No one calls you Zeke.

In grade school,

people called me Zeke.

I've known you since kindergarten.

And no one ever called

you anything but Isaac.

-F..k man.

-What's up fool? What's wrong?

I think he's septic.

George, he's septic.

-He's not septic.

-F..k.

You don't even know

what the f..k that means.

-Don't listen he's septic.

-What are you guys talking about?

-F..k!

-Are you okay bro?

My f..g car is gone.

-Who cares fool it's a Honda?

-Hyundai.

It's a Hyundai motherf..r!

Those Hyundais have great

warranties. I almost bought one.

-Singaporean, I think.

-Korean.

My f..g car is gone!

All the money you can

buy ten-twenty Hyundais.

Oh, the money was in

-There was money in the car?

I mean like in a briefcase?

Like Pulp Fiction?

You know, you never actually

see what's in the briefcase.

They say it was his

soul.

-How much money we talking about?

-There was no money in that car.

I thought that's why you were

so upset at those white kids

White kids jacked your car,

take your briefcase of money?

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Oh yeah, I'll help out too.

Um, what color's your car?

-It's red.

-I thought your car was blue.

-It's f..g red!

-Hatchback or sedan?

-Hatchback.

-Hatchback?

-Accent or Elantra?

-Elantra's roomier.

Yeah but the Accent handles

better and has more pep.

-Did you just say pep?

-Yeah, pep.

To add liveliness or vigor

to something. P-E-P.

On a one horse open slay.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

...jingle all the way!

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