Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #2

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My dad knew l'd be a comedian.

When l was a baby he said, ''ls this a joke?''

l was a bottle baby.

One day l pushed the cork out and escaped.

Do you know, l could walk at six months old.

My granny opened the front door and said,

''Hop it.''

When they took me out in my pram, people

thought it was a mobile Punch and Judy show.

And that's how l came into show business.

l was with John Hanson in Desert Song.

l was second hump on the camel.

For a while l was Albert Tatlock's stuntman.

At eight l had a flea circus until my mother

stopped me playing with the lad next door.

l'm ready for another question. Here we have

a distinguished British actor of stage and film -

James Fox.

Can l be blunt? No, of course, you were.

No, sorry.

Brilliantly.

Ken, l've read your ambition is to play

every live theatre in the country.

Do you have a favourite theatre?

Yes, l do. All my theatres...

All theatres are beautiful.

These temples of show business.

ln London there's the Palladium.

There's beautiful theatres in the North -

in Blackpool and Newcastle and Scotland.

ls there anyone in from the North?

Yes!

- Anyone in from Lancashire?

- Yes!

Well, you'll recognise tripe when you see it.

- Anyone in from Yorkshire?

- Yes!

Notice they all sit near the door

in case there's a collection.

Nowt wrong wi' Yorkshire folk, is there?

Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred.

Strong in the arm...

As l say...

We have a very distinguished gentleman

in the front row in evening dress and trainers.

Good evening, sir. Are you a professional

gentleman? An architect, surveyor, doctor?

Pardon? A binman. l see.

Could l ask you a personal question?

l wouldn't embarrass you.

What night of the week is your bath night?

What night's your bath night?

- Well...

- Yes?

Most nights, really. Three or four nights a week.

Fella on the front has a bath

three or four nights a week.

(Cheer)

Are you in some kind of an institution, sir?

This lady...is this Matron?

The lady in the safari jacket

and the Doc Martens.

Why have so many baths?

Whatever you're looking for, you won't find it,

not unless they've got a big nurse.

When you have these three or four baths

a week, sir,

do you have them all over or does she sit you on

the draining board and go as far as your knees?

And when you get out of the bath,

do you have a quick flex?

l bet you do. You're a big lad.

l bet you're up in that bathroom for hours.

ls he, missus?

Eh? For hours? Yes? Posing.

Posing in front of the full-length mirror.

Bragging. Shouting downstairs, ''Gladys!

Gladys! Come and look at this!

Hurry up!

l can't hold it much longer!''

Do you use any male cosmetics?

Any fa-far, fa-foo, fa-fee, fa-fah?

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