Kelly & Cal Page #3

there and just...

it was terrible.

- Really?

- No, I have a baby cousin

I take care of sometimes.

Mostly I just do it

to mess with my dad's head.

He gets so excited.

He's like, "Good job, son."

You know that's the first thing

he asked the doctor

when I got injured was,

can I still get laid?

Of course, he asked

in more respectable terms,

like can I still have babies?

Now, that is what most people

want to know,

except usually, you know,

they're too scared to ask

unless they're drunk.

It's pretty amazing

what they can do these days

for these guys that are,

like, hardcore crips...

you know, those guys

that can't move, like,

zip, zilch, nothing, right?

- How do they...

- They have this, like,

anal vibrator thing,

and they just stick it

up the guy's ass

and basically stimulate the

poor f***er until he orgasms,

then clean up the baby batter,

use it for in vitro.

Boom, he's off and running.

So I guess never stop believing.

- That's great.

That... that's...

- Yeah.

- That they can do that.

- Fortunately, for some of us,

we don't need that much help.

And the answer's yes,

if the lady's on top.

But also my tongue still works.

- Okay, I'm gonna go.

Um, it was nice talking to you.

Thanks for sharing your place.

Um...

- Hey, if you ever need

a swaddling,

come on back.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

I know. I know. I know.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just trying to...

I don't know.

- Here, here.

Just let me have him.

You all right?

Ooh, man, buddy.

What's up?

I suck.

I suck at this.

- Jack, my main man,

you made it back.

So where did you get drums?

- Dear old Dad.

You know, I was bummed out

about the guitar,

so he went

on a bit of a shopping spree.

You got problems,

you throw money at it.

It's a very sophisticated

emotional technique, you know?

- And what happened

to the guitar?

- The guitar, it's nothing.

I mean, it's my hands.

Don't look so f***ing sad.

I can still do plenty of things,

providing it doesn't require

any fine motor skills.

Sh*t, even a one-armed dude

could be a drummer, right?

- Yeah.

So where's this guitar?

Wow.

- You like?

- Sweet.

It's been a while.

I-I would have to cut my nails.

- Jack, listen to your mom.

She's f***ing rocking it.

- He likes you.

- Yeah, well, that's 'cause

I talk to him,

you know, like a real person,

man to man.

Isn't that right, Mr. Jack?

- It's that simple?

- It really... yeah, I mean,

it's pretty amazing

what a straightforward

conversation

between equals

can accomplish, you know?

- Maybe I should try that.

- Where'd you learn to play?

- I was in a band.

- Wait, wait, wait.

You were in a band.

- Yes.

Why do you look so surprised?

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