John Tucker Must Die

I was in seventh grade...

when I realized

I was invisible,

Well, not that kind of invisible,

No, it was more like I was

just,you know, kind of,.,

Anonymous, A-N-O-N-

I-M-O-U-S,

Anonymous,

I'm sorry, That's wrong,

W-O-R-N-G, Wrong,

It's not that I didn't try,

I mean, I was always a real...

Loser,

L-O-S-E-R, Loser,

Homework for tomorrow...

Of course,

when it came to love...

Pass it on,

Yeah, That sucked,

S-U-C-K-E-D, Sucked,

There was another thing

working against me,

Hi,

Hey, I'm Justin,

I live just next door...

and, uh, my mom sent me over...

with these brownies

or something,

Oh, hi, I'm Kate,

W-We just moved here,

I mean, duh- the boxes

and everything...

Holy jama lama,

KATE:

That other thing is... my mom,

Hi, I'm Lori,

Um... I made these for you,

Be careful; you're hot,

I mean...

they're hot,

So hot,

She's never had any trouble

landing men,

She's just had trouble keeping them,

I used to keep track,

but I found it exhausting,

So, I just call 'em all... Skip,

Hi, Kate,

I'm going... to be...

your new... father,

Maybe we shouldn't...

get ahead

of ourselves now, Skip,

It's, uh, it's Steve, kiddo,

Why do you keep calling me Skip?

KATE:

Because, eventually...

that's what they all do,

It's happened so many times

that my mom's developed...

a very mature reaction,

A quick therapy session...

or two... or three...

and then we pack up the car

and flee to another town,

Okay, maybe being invisible

does have its advantages,

LORI:

Excuse me!

Because, moving all the time...

I never had to deal with the

whole ''awkward good-bye''thing,

All right, guys, here we go,

I'm open!

here's me,

It wasn't easy,

but in just a few short months...

I went from

''sort of unknown''to...

Are you a narc?

But enough about me,

This story isn't even about me,

It's about him,

John Tucker,

Let's face it, He is the man,

Captain of the basketball team,

his family's loaded...

and he looks somewhere

between an Abercrombie model...

and a Greek god,

Tucker!

Let's go,John!

Kill the Bobcats!

Not real bobcats,

I mean, they're endangered,

This is Carrie Schaefer,

It's no question who's taking

the Kodiaks to State this year,

John Tucker here,

also known as ''Tuck''...

- ''T-Man,'' ''T-Dog...''

- T-Dog!

...some people

call me ''T-Money''...

but I'm best known

as ''El Capitan,''

Ho-ho, Heather!

Whoo-hoo!

Shake it, baby!

Short skirts equals talent, Yay,

Heather's hot!

Go, Kodiaks!

Go Kodiaks!

Hey, Table six,

I remember the first time...

I spoke toJohn Tucker,

It's not like he blew me away

or anything,

I mean,

I was totally in control,

- Hi,

- Yes,

I mean... no,

I-I mean, y...

I'm... not quite ready to order,

Thanks,

Please tell me

I did notjust curtsy,

What was I thinking?

Of course a guy like that

already has a girlfriend,

That's Carrie Shaeffer,

Runs the school TVstation...

not to mention

the Honor Society...

Junior Achievers, 4-H Club...

Future Filmmakers of America,

Big Sisters...

Adopt-A-Shut-In, and...

I think that's it,

I've decided to write

a children's book,

Oh, and she's writing

a children's book,

Mm! You are so sexy

when you speak French,

Mm...

Uh, do you guys...

want a minute?

KATE:

Whoa, scratch that,

He's got two girlfriends,

That one's Heather,

head cheerleader,

Sort of self-explanatory,

And Molly's all...

''Why don't

we 'Stomp, Fight, Roar?'''

''Stomp, Fight, Roar?''

I know!

I mean, at halftime?

What a dud,

Two green salads,

dressing on the side,

Salmon for her,

Lobster for me,

I love when you do that,

I love doing that,

I love that you love

that I love you doing that,

And... no need to rush

between courses,

That top...

looks so hot on you,

I bet it's even hotter

off of you,

JOHN:

Never been here before, babe...

so I hope they have

good vegetarian,

Okay, stop it already,

Three girlfriends?

JOHN:
Oh, no! Veal?

I'm sorry,

Let's just go,

You know, if I wanted

to torture animals...

I'd go to a medical lab,

Hey,

Which...

I would never do, 'cause

they... torture animals,

Okay, I'm not passing judgment...

but, for whatever reason...

being a vegan teen activist

is usually code for ''easy, ''

You know, for you, I don't have

to give up all meat,

See? I'm not making

this stuff up,

I don't get it,

I mean, these girls all

seem so confident and cool,

How do they not know...

thatJohn's cheating

on all of them?

He's a total operator,

He goes out with girls

from different cliques...

so that they never

actually talk to each other,

And then he

tells them that his father...

won't let him date

during basketball season...

so they'll have

to keep it a secret,

How'd you learn all this stuff?

I don't know,Just a guess,

- Hey, there he is,

- Yo, bro,

- He did?

- Yeah, totally,

Hold on, one second,

Hey, Yeah, actually...

What's up, fellas?

What's up, man?

Yo, Tuck!

Agua, please?

And some popcorn,

What's up, girl?

Hey,

Lookin' good,

Hey,Johnny,

Hey,

Hey,

You got something sweet for me?

Of course,

I don't know,

John was confident...

in his system forjuggling girls...

but even he couldn't anticipate

the events of Black Tuesday,

Oh, my gosh!

Coach Claypoole!

Are you all right?

How was he to know...

Coach Claypoole had acute angina?

It wasn'tJohn's fault,

It was a pre-existing condition,

and she stabilized...

and took early retirement

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