John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #2

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Uh, maybe because every

time another cow gets bought,

you have to go to the sale

and you have to sit next

to your cow at the sale,

and your cow looks over at

you the entire time like...

And does not enjoy the sale at all...

even though she's the one

that wanted to go to the sale.

And she's especially mad

because that farmer and cow met,

like, eight months after you guys met.

"Why buy the cow?"

Well, let's be real here.

You're very lucky to have

the cow that you do have.

"Roping in cows and

getting milk out of them

was never anything you

were known for, John."

By the most liberal of estimates,

there have been about eight cows

total, several unmilked, and...

a lot of people think that you like

bulls, and if you just bought...

They assume it.

When you search your name, the

third thing to come up is like,

"John Mulaney bull?"

And if you just bought the cow,

nobody would say that anymore.

They'll still say it.

'Cause there are those

guys who, they buy a cow,

and then on the side, total matador, but...

But, for real, Chicago, why buy the cow?

Let's be real. Why buy the cow?

Because you love her. You really do.

And, yeah, yeah...

Sure, she's a bossy little Jew, but...

... she takes care of you.

And you don't wanna be some

old man stumbling around, like,

"Hey, you seen any loose milk?"

My wife is Jewish. She's

a New York Jew. I did it!

Now, I was raised Catholic.

I don't know if you can tell

that from the everything about me.

My wife is Jewish, I grew up Catholic,

so we got married by a friend.

Being married by a friend

is a beautiful ceremony

that alienates both families' religions,

while confusing the elderly

people at the wedding.

"What's the name of the bishop?"

"That's actually stand-up

comedian Dan Levy.

He was the host of

MTV's Your Face or Mine?"

I saw a lot of Catholic weddings,

though, because I was an altar boy...

And a hush falls over the room.

Isn't it weird how that

became a scandalous thing?

That was just some boring

sh*t I had to do on weekends.

But now, it's like saying, "I was

a French maid for a period of time.

I was treated well in my day.

I worked for a variety of sirs."

No, being an altar boy was

just a boring gig, you know?

You'd serve Mass and then

you'd serve weddings sometimes.

My brother was once an

altar boy at a wedding,

and he was standing there

with another altar boy

in this big, packed church

in Chicago where we grew up.

And the bride was coming down the

aisle, and the organ was playing,

and all the pews were filled,

and the bride got all the way to the altar,

and the groom lifted the

veil off of the bride,

and right at that moment

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