Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold
2
I went to San Francisco
because I had not been able to work
in some months.
I'd been paralyzed by the conviction
that writing was an irrelevant act...
that the world as I had understood it
no longer existed.
It was the first time
with the evidence of atomization,
the proof that things fall apart.
If I was to work again,
to come to terms with disorder.
so much in your...
in your later work,
was that an unconscious...
image, do you think, from growing up?
I think it was an unconscious image
from growing up, yeah.
But, I mean, snakes appeared
in my later work because they just...
They were always on my mind.
You had to avoid them.
- Do you have snakes?
- Hmm?
- You have snakes?
- I have no snakes.
I'm not a big fan of snakes.
Well, how do you know up in the country?
Uh...
I just take a rake and kill it.
Killing a snake is the same as
having a snake.
- Oh, yes, that's true.
Big 5 tablet given to me by my mother
with the sensible suggestion
I stop whining
by writing my thoughts.
who believes herself
to be freezing to death
in the arctic night...
only to find when day breaks she has
stumbled on to the Sahara desert
where she will
die of the heat before lunch.
I have no idea what turn of
a 5-year-old's mind
could have prompted so
insistently ironic and exotic a story.
But it does reveal
a predilection for the extreme
which has dogged me into adult life.
My Aunt Joan grew up on
stories of the doomed Donner party.
Her family actually
traveled across the plains with them.
They parted company when the Donners
insisted on taking an uncharted shortcut.
Instead, her family followed
the map that they brought
to the last frontier...
California.
"I was born in Sacramento
and lived in California most of my life.
I learned to swim in the Sacramento
and the American rivers before the dams.
I learned to drive on the levees
up and downriver from Sacramento.
Yet California has remained
in some way impenetrable to me,
a wearying enigma...
as it has to many of us
who were from there."
My family had come to Sacramento
in the 19th century.
They came to it as a frontier.
And it was the last frontier.
Don't you think people are formed
by the landscape they grow up in?
It formed everything I ever think,
or ever do, or am.
I remember once
when we were snowbound,
my mother gave me
several old copies of Vogue...
and pointed out an announcement
the competition Vogue then had
for college seniors, the Prix de Paris.
First prize, a job in Paris or New York.
"You could win that," my mother said.
"You could win that
and live in Paris, or New York,
wherever you wanted.
But definitely you could win it."
My senior year at Berkeley, I did win it.
I got out of Berkeley,
and I was offered a job at Vogue.
So, I moved to New York to take the job.
It was very thrilling to me, naturally.
When I first saw New York, I was 20.
And it was summer time,
and the warm air smelled of mildew
and some instinct
programmed by all the movies
I'd ever seen
and all the songs I'd ever heard sung
and the stories
I'd read about New York
informed me it would never
be quite the same again.
In fact, it never was.
When she was here,
you know, some time ago,
it was at a moment in
Vogue's history when,
if you were an editor,
you'd still wear a hat and gloves.
And if you were just an assistant,
no gloves, no hat.
I mean, it was just a very...
Everyone was addressed by Ms. or Mrs.
I mean, it was a very different time.
It would be exciting,
because Vogue was the preeminent
fashion magazine.
You had to learn to...
write with irony,
or with a kind of humor, you know,
something that would grab the reader.
You had to do it in this short space.
You didn't have the luxury of
writing, and writing, and writing.
They would've been a little daunted
by some of the editors.
Allene Talmey,
whom, uh, Joan obviously knew,
she could be very frightening.
this big aquamarine ring.
She'd get violently
crossing, x-ing out things, muttering:
"Action verbs, action verbs."
And everybody who lasted with her...
basically learned to write.
The first thing I wrote for Vogue was
"Self-respect, its source, its power."
They had assigned a piece called...
"Self-respect, its source, its power."
They put it on the cover.
And the writer didn't materialize.
No piece came in.
So, I had to write it.
People with self-respect
exhibit a certain toughness,
a kind of moral nerve.
They display what was
once called "character"...
approved in abstract
sometimes loses ground to other,
more instantly negotiable virtues.
"Character," the willingness to accept
responsibility for one's own life,
is the source from which
self-respect springs.
However long we postpone it,
we eventually lie down alone...
in that notoriously uncomfortable bed,
the one we make ourselves.
Whether or not we sleep in it
depends, of course,
on whether or not we respect ourselves.
It seems that would be unusual
for Vogue to have a voice like that,
that personal. Was it?
Well, it was probably...
sort of unusual, yeah.
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